Losing A Whole Year

The World Is Etched Upon Your Heart

2009-12-31T22:41:00.000-05:00

2010 is a different world.

What really changes anyway? Years are just human constructs that enable us to keep track of time, because we are aware that as each second goes by, we are letting go of forever. Things are important only because they are never forever. So we mark the years because some things, some people, are important. And if no person, no thing is important, then what do we have to keep track of time for?

2009 is a different world.

Goodbye to people, friends, teachers, who remind us that nobody, nothing is forever. From them, we catch a glimpse of this forever that's ironically ephemeral.

This unassuming little boy will from now on look up to you in the heavens, and will always remember. He will always be grateful. He will at times doubt God, because once in a while, he'll feel the need to ask for proof instead of jumping over the chasm of belief. But it is because of people like you that he will find his way back into faith. He will at times wonder why certain things happen. He will, at times, cry.

He will do all these because he's not a little boy anymore. He thinks he understands more of the world, while at the same time acknowledging his smallness, his insignificance. But while a part of him will always be that little boy, this young man will move on, become more confident, and leave his mark. The sum of this person, and eventually what he makes of himself, will always feel blessed that his life has been touched.

Unleash Your Big Ball of Positive Energy Today

2009-09-19T16:41:00.000-04:00

I think I really get easily irritated. I'm not going to justify or qualify. 1+1=2. The sun sets in the west. It doesn't take much to irritate me.

1. I'm so busog. I'm so gutom. I'm so antok.

Why don't people just say "I'm so full," "I'm so hungry," or "I'm so sleepy"? I don't like it, even if you're Kris Aquino and I'm a fan.

2. It was freakin' awesome. He's tryin' his best. He's fuckin' pissed though.

Was the letter G sent to jail? How much does it cost to use this letter? Only Sylvester (Looney Tunes) is allowed to say "sufferin' succotash."

3. It's purpose is unknown. Its here to stay though.

It's = It is. If you've written "it's," ask yourself if you can replace it with "it is." If not, you made a mistake. Its, even if possessive, should have no apostrophe, unless there's a gun pointed at you. All together now:

A possessive its has no apostrophe.

4. Their everywhere with they're promises.

They're = There are. Their is possessive.

5. Your sure about you're conclusions?

You're = You are. Your is possessive

6. Advance happy birthday! I already sent the stuff toy. It's suppose to arrive tomorrow. Wow, you don't look matured for your age.

The letter d feels lonely for not being where it's supposed to be. It doesn't want to be somewhere it's not welcome too. Use: advanced, stuffed, supposed, mature.

7. I swear I'm gonna change. I'm gonna make a 360 degree turn.

Nice. 360 degrees will just bring you back to where you started!

8. Sila Lucifer, Beelzebub at Azazel ay nagalak sa dami ng mga kaluluwang pinahirapan ngayong araw sa impiyerno.

Ang "sila" ay panghalip (pamalit sa pangngalan), kaya hindi dapat sundan ng mga pangngalan. Ang pantukoy na dapat gamitin ay "sina."

Tama: Sila ay nagalak sa dami ng mga kaluluwang...

Tama: Sina Lucifer, Beelzebub at Azazel ay nagalak sa dami ng mga kaluluwang...

9. ERAP ESTRADA.

Ano ang point mo? Ano ang silbi mo sa mundo? You always said you won't run if the opposition would unite behind one candidate. Yet in the same breath, you'd say it's almost impossible for the opposition to find a unifying candidate. Well, you know what? I'm going to give all my friends a thousand dollars each. There's one condition though. A blue unicorn has to magically appear and teach my students calculus this Monday. Get it? A unicorn is not a real animal. And even if unicorns existed in our reality, it would have to be smart enough to know how to find the derivative of a function. So, how can I be morally obligated to give my friends a thousand dollars each if unicorns who know calculus don't even exist? Hahaha! Did you get that, Erap? Did you understand my point, Erap? You want me to explain further Erap?

10. Benigno "Noynoy" Aquno III. Manuel "Mar" Roxas II. Gilberto "Gibo" Teodoro. Manuel "Manny" Villar. Panfilo "Ping" Lacson. Francis "Kiko" Pangilinan. Ronaldo "Ronnie" Puno.

Look, I don't need to be friends with these politicians. I know their nicknames already, so I don't need to be reminded each time I read the dailies. If you want, call him Sen. Kiko Pangilinan or Sen. Francisco Pangilinan.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm happy to introduce our special guest, Sen. Francis "Kiko" Pangilinan. Sen. Francis "Kiko" Pangilinan as you well know is the husband our our Megastar Sharon "Ate Shawie" Cuneta. Sen. Francis "Kiko" Pangilinan started out as a lawyer giving free legal assistance. The career of Sen. Francis "Kiko" Pangilinan has been a testament to his belief in active citizenship.

Irritating, right? The person introducing doesn't know how to use pronouns. It's doubly irritating with "Kiko" everywhere.

11. Kidnapping public school teachers in Mindanao

Why? What do these kidnappers hope to achieve? Get ransom money? From the teachers' families? Are you kidding? Really? Like they're rich? What do they want to do next? Get a sperm sample from Cinderella? Ha. Ha. Ha. Not funny.

12. Arnel Pineda, Charice Pempengco and Lea Salonga are world class performers. They make me proud to be Pinoy.

Seriously! Okay, I'm not here to bring these talented people down. I have it in me to be happy for them. Instead, the statement I'm making is about how a lot of us have seemed to anchor our national pride on people like them. I don't think that's healthy. I don't think we even have to go out of our way thumping our chests shouting we're Filipinos. We just have to be who we are, and do things to the best that we can. The game is in our minds. One inane YouTube comment I saw on a Lea Salonga clip: "You speak English so well. That's such an achievement. I'm so proud of you." Lastly, what's the big deal about Pinoy pride? I should be proud to be Pinoy because I'm Pinoy? Hey, all of us with two nostrils, let's all shout together, "I'm so proud to have two nostrils! 2-nostril pride, yeah!"

13. Worshipping foreigners with Filipino blood

A Cebu Pacific inflight magazine (last August, I think) made my blood curdle. I turned to the page for their article on Pinoy heroes, only to find out that their 4-person feature was on Batista, Vanessa Hudgens, Apl.De.Ap and Pacquiao. Okay, I don't have any difficulty putting

Apl.De.Ap and Pacquiao in the hero box. But Batista and Hudgens JUST BECAUSE they are part Pinoy? Oh, this reminds me of David Archuleta when he was just starting out in American Idol. His being Filipino even made it to his Wikipedia page (which was thankfully edited eventually). The YouTube comments evolved this way:

(1) Is he Filipino?

(2) Guys, somebody asked if he's Filipino.

(3) He could be Filipino.

(4) Hey, it's so cool. He is Filipino!

(5) David Archuleta is Pinoy! Yeah! Filipino pride! Brown pride!

(6) OMG, I'm so proud to be Pinoy! Mabuhay ang Pinoy. We're so talented and we're so world class.

14. TV show hosts interviewing foreigners who don't speak Filipino

Stop it with the Filipino innuendos which they don't understand - it's so impolite. It's old and it's not funny. And please stop asking them what they think of Filipinas and Filipino food, or whether they would come back, since we already know what they're going to say. Would they say Filipinas are ugly? Would they say they wouldn't even approach Filipino food with a 5-foot stick? Would they say they wouldn't come back to the Philippines if it was entirely up to them? Noooo! Their favorite Pinoy dish is adobo.Their favorite beach is Boracay. Balut is

really something.

15. The Philippines is the third largest English-speaking nation in the world.

Says who? Us? I'll be willing to change my mind, if someone could pull out an official record.

16. Asia's Songbird. Asia's Queen of Soul. Asia's Nightingale. Asia's Queen of Songs.

Says who? Us? I just find the use of titles so pretentious. No, it's not Regine Velasquez, Jaya, Lani Misalucha and Pilita Corrales I'm calling pretentious. It's our usage I'm calling pretentious. Let's take the case of Regine. She was given this title after winning a singing contest in 1989. That's 20 years ago! In fourth grade (1989), I was part of the team that represented my section in a spelling bee. We won. Now, all kneel and address me as Fourth Grade's Magnificent Emperor of Awesome Spelling. Continue addressing me as such for 20 years hence. Fast forward to the year 2020. "Final call for passengers of flight NW71 bound for Manila. Calling passenger Fourth Grade's Magnificent Emperor of Awesome Spelling. This is your last call."

17. One plus one is equals two. Why does women not know how to please men?

The laws of subject-verb agreement are not legally binding. Sob.

18. Posters of politicians

Why do we need to see your faces in posters and billboards of government projects? What is the point? Will the projects become more important if we can see your faces? Yeah yeah yeah, these are really rhetorical questions. We already know why their faces have to be everywhere. Let's do an experiment.

Show poster with politician's face. Ah, I'm sad.

Show poster but block out politician's face. Ah, now I'm happy! Weeeee!

19. Opposition to the Reproductive Health Bill

People who shouldn't will continue frakking around. Sadly, a lot of them cannot support their already big families. The RH Bill already explicitly says it is against abortion!

20. WILLIE REVILLAME

Ano ang silbi mo sa mundo? Ano ang point mo? Nakakairita ang boses mong para kang binagsakan ng refrigerator. Nakakairita ang mannerisms mong para kang si Willie Revillame. Ay, ikaw na pala yun. Hindi ko alam kung mas inis ako sa iyo o kay Erap. Ay, madali lang pala aregluhin ang isyung ito - mas inis ako sa iyo. Hehehe. Hate you.

Cute little girl: How much do you love me.

Jesus: (stretches out his arms) Thiiiis much.

Willie: How much do you hate me.

Me: (stretches out my arms) Thiiiis much.

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This is not a complete list. Note that I haven't listed down Ronaldo Puno, Lady Gaga, and made-up words like chorva. This is merely a sampling of some of the things that irritate me.

My shrink was right. That felt good. I'm ready to go out of my room now to spread some positive energy. I might go look for #8's Lucifer and his gang to torment some souls.

-------

PS: My not liking something doesn't mean that that thing is wrong. I'm just saying I don't like it.

I Dream of Chickenjoy

2009-09-18T13:25:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in one of the benches along University St. in front of the Math Building, when in reality, there aren't any benches there. I was with Winson Lim, one of my teammates in IMO 1995 in Canada. In this sequence, he's a Purdue student, when in reality, he's not.

Then came Bernard Chan, holding a plastic bag of fried chicken pieces. Bernard was also a teammate in 1995.

"Where did you get that, Bernard?" I asked.

"I got this from Jollibee."

Ah, Chickenjoy.

"Where?" I followed up.

"Chicago." It sounded like fact even though there's no Jollibee in Chicago. But isn't it that when you dream, anything is possible?

"Here, take some."

I did not hesitate. Winson on the other hand didn't feel like it. That didn't stop me.

Bernard was bringing the whole meal to his dorm room in Beering Hall, which isn't a dorm. His brother and parents were waiting for him to celebrate his graduation. In our real world, he graduated from University of Illinois in Urbana Champaign, not Purdue.

Memorial Wall

2009-02-22T08:25:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be,
Maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light

by Dan Haseltine

* Unnamed (for now) but dearly remembered. My Teacher.
* Dale Jude Moog (Jan. 31, 2009)
* R.C. (Feb. 2009)

* Zachary XXXX, Sage's older brother
* Rhea XXXX. I sometimes forget I had an older sister: Rxxxxxx, Rxxx, Rxxx, Rxxxxxx, Rxxxxx.

* and others

Mortality is a sucker punch. With Death watching over us with her longing gaze, we are all priceless.

Tree

2009-02-16T21:39:00.000-05:00

There are limits to what we can do.

Why didn't I help?

I could have helped.

Could I have helped?

Am I strong enough?

Am I vulnerable?

How my arrogance fails me now.

I don't know if I can love.

I will talk about certain people, certain things, but really, it's all about me and what I feel.

I will continue to ask for catharsis even though it doesn't have to come.

When Adam and Eve ate of the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, their doom was not their sin, but their awakened awareness of the world, of life and death.

Sabado ng Enero

2009-02-15T16:40:00.000-05:00

Naglaho ang mundo
Isang Sabado ng Enero
Mundo ng galak
Mundo ng saya.

Pumalit ay pangungulila
Sa araw ng iyong paglalayag
Isang libong tanong
Lahat walang sagot.

Nais ko ba talaga
Malapatan ng mga sagot?
Kahit isa sa isang libo
Nais kong unawain.

O baka ang gusto ko lang
Usisain ang sagot
Dahil di ko pa matanggap
Kinahinatnan ng tanong.

O baka ang gusto ko lang
Magtanong ng magtanong
Hindi para sa iyo
Kundi para makilala ako.

Ano ba ang gusto ko?
Ano ba ang dapat itanong?
Ano ba ang mga sagot?
Pagmamahal? Pagkakaibigan?

Naglaho ang mundo
Isang Sabado ng Enero
Pero naririto pa rin kami
Gagawa ng bagong mundo

Para sa kaibigang batid na ang mga sagot

ALERT: National Weather Service issues wind chill advisory

2009-01-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

WEST LAFAYETTE, Ind. - The National Weather Service in Indianapolis has issued a wind chill WARNING which is in effect from midnight tonight to 1 p.m. EST Friday (Jan. 16). A wind chill warning means the combination of very cold air and strong winds will create dangerously low wind chill values. This will result in frostbite and lead to hypothermia or death if precautions are not taken.

Bitter cold air ushered in on gusty winds is forecasted for Wednesday night and to remain into Friday. Wind chills of 20 below zero to 30 below zero are expected to occur.

The university is monitoring the weather and urges all students, faculty and staff to do so as well. Watch the Purdue home page for updates, including potential decisions about classes.

Everyone should dress appropriately for these conditions and review their winter preparation procedures. The following Web site provides winter weather preparation information: Ready.gov: http://www.ready.gov/america/beinformed/winter.html

------------------

-27 Fahrenheit is -34 Celsius. Why don't they just cancel school now? What are they waiting for?

A Eulogy for 2008

2008-12-31T18:18:00.000-05:00

2009 is a different world.

What really changes anyway? Years are just human constructs that enable us to keep track of time, because we are aware that as each second goes by, we are letting go of forever. Things are important only because they are never forever (except, of course, the concept of forever itself). So we mark the years because some things, some people, are important. And if no one, no one thing is important, then what do we have to keep track of time for?

In an hour, 2008 will become a different world.

To it, I say goodbye. Goodbye to memories. Goodbye to lessons learned. Goodbye to people, friends, teachers, who painfully remind us that nobody lives forever. It is to them we say goodbye, so they can journey on to forever. From them, we catch a glimpse of this forever that's ironically ephemeral.

I have been blessed by your generosity of spirit that never asked for anything in return. I thank you. Our lives will go on. How ironic. How selfish of me to question why the world is not stopping. Well, why should it? After all, you are not the only important person to have lived.

I cry because I am selfish. I smile because I am grateful. We will all move on, with a part of us missing, but overall, enriched by every little thing that you've done, enriched by this very magnificent thing that was your life.

Goodbye to the gift of your life.

Because I Have Weird Taste in Music, Or Maybe Not - Which is Not Saying Anything At All

2008-11-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

Cuando
by Standstill

Drop
by TMGE

Don't Mug Yourself
by The Streets

No Ordinary Morning
by Chicane

Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hands
by Primitive Radio Gods

The Fall
by The Nixons

Snowblind
by +/- {Plus/Minus}

Care Bears

2008-10-06T21:00:00.000-04:00

On Greatness and Destiny
Rey Barcelon - sa lahat ng mga nakamit niya, alam ko isang titulo ang pinakamatamis: Tatay

a: I think greatness is a destiny...

b: what are you saying? You think some people cannot be great?

a: I think greatness is not something willed... i think when you have passion for what you do then and only then can you hope to be great....

Earlier this year, Rey quoted this in one of our conversations. While checking out pictures of him and Juan Carlos, I saw his blog, and read the conversation quoted above. I'm sure I've seen it before. But I'm reading them now differently.

I hate cliches and I hate feel-good statements, since they're too optimistic (nothing wrong with that though) to the point of being naive. While I did watch the Care Bears, I know as you will agree too, that you can't survive with Care Bear philosophies. I feel cliches tend to simplify things too much, because the reality may be too painful, or too hard to grasp. Weird lang ako. Ganun lang yun.

But the ideas above resonate with me. Ang galing. Nasabi niya, at napayaman pa, ang sentimyento kong dati ay di ko kayang biglang linaw gamit ang aking mga salita. O akala ko nasakop na ng aking mga binitawang salita ang lahat ng nais kong sabihin tungkol sa mga ideyang ito. Hindi pa pala. May mas mahusay na paraan pa pala. Pero sino naman kasi akong hambog para isipin na ang paghabi ko ng mga salita ang siyang pinaka-mahusay?

We deserve a lot of things, some of which we really work hard for. It doesn't mean though that just because we deserve them, and that we worked hard for them, that we will get them. The next guy will probably work 10 times as hard as me, who's only willing to exert so much, but I might still end up getting it (whatever it is) instead of him. He may need it more than I do. He may deserve it more than I do. It may even be his birthright. But this is all irrelevant. I could still be the one ending up with all the spoils of war. The tragedy is that I could be in his shoes, and he in mine - reversal of fortune. Point being - there's no guarantee we could get all the things we deserve in life.

Ngayon naman iniisip ko kung defeatist ang attitude na ito. Na, kaya ko lang iniisip at nararamdaman ang ganito, para hindi masakit ang pagbagsak kapag di ko natupad ang gusto kong mangyari - kasi sa pamamagitan ng pagkilala na pwedeng mangyari ang di kanais-nais, nagiging "katanggap-tanggap" ito kahit paano. Dahil hindi na anomalya ang pagkabigo kahit pa pinaghirapan mong hindi ito mangyari, nagiging isa na siya sa mga options sa ating multiple-choice exam. Nabibigyan na rin siya ng equal weight na gaya ng ibang options na ibibigay ng Care Bears.

Let's nitpick a little. Equal weight? Siyempre kahit paano may favorable bias pa rin sa ibang options, depende sa personal circumstances mo. Parang kapag manghuhula ka sa multiple-choice exam, pwede kang mag-eliminate ng ibang options kasi napaka-ridiculous nila so sigurado kang wrong answer yung mga yun. Pero et ceteris paribus (naks, natutunan ko sa economics dati: with all things being equal), itong "hindi na anomalous na option gaano man siya ka-unjust" ay, a priori (napick-up ko naman sa math dito: a priori knowledge is something independent of the actual outcome or result), kapareho pa rin ng weight ng ibang options. Kung baga, even before you take the exam, before you read and analyze the options, may equal probability pa sila of happening. Kapag nabasa mo na ang options, saka na magbabago ang odds (but this would come after).

So defeatist nga ba itong point of view? Hindi pa rin eh. I don't think it's necessarily defeatist. Pragmatic? Realistic? Maybe. The thing is, we're "seeing" things for what they really are. Side noteS: Ang question naman na biglang nag-pop-up ngayon, paano ko pwedeng sabihin that this is what things really are? Bakit ko nasabi na itong "masaklap" na scenario ang siyang tunay? And by masaklap na scenario (yaya, make me timpla orange juice because I'm conyotic), I'm referring to a world where we don't get what we deserve. Where we don't end up being what we want to be - to be great - however much we will it to be. I'm claiming this is the kind of world we live in. Actual experiences and observations are my justification. Pero malay mo rin, baka mga Care Bears nga tayo, at may nanonood sa atin na 7 year old kids?

So defeatist nga ba itong attitude na ito? Let's assume my claim that the world we live in is really cruel (i.e. we eat Care Bears for breakfast). I was about to say, how could accepting reality be defeatist? I guess, if we see results and outcomes as enemies we need to conquer, then yes, this is defeatist attitude. But if you see results and outcomes as immovable impersonal forces, who are not necessarily out to defeat you and compete with you (walang personalan, trabaho lang), then I don't see how that could be defeatist.

The operative word is HOPE. We can still hope. Di ko kayang bigyang justice yung last line sa post ni Rey, so uulitin ko na lang: I think greatness is not something willed. I think when you have passion for what you do, then and only then can you hope to be great.

We can't claim greatness. We can only hope to be great. But this is not the stupid hope where you hope against hope that things will fall into place (another cliche). This is the hope that is informed by the hard work you support it with.

Reassuring, di ba? Nandun yung humility, at pagtanggap na kahit malaki ang impluwensiya mo sa mangyayari sa iyo, may bahagi pa rin na labas sa kontrol mo. Hindi absolute ang hawak mo sa kahihinatnan ko. Para sa mga naniniwala sa Diyos, maaaring ang lack of control na ito ay isa sa mga ipinapaubaya nila. Theist na ako, at tapos na ang mga araw ko ng pagiging agnostic, pero secular pa rin ang point of view ko. Siguro di ko lang inaamin na paminsan-minsan, nagpapaubaya ako. Pride is one of my sins.

Wait - paano naging reassuring ulit iyon? Didn't I just mention that there are some things you just can't control? That's supposed to be a scary thought. However, I am comforted by the fact that even though this world could go to the dogs for all we care, not all is lost. Unless we give up, our (reasonable) aspirations could still prop us up.

Loneliness

2008-08-03T04:49:00.000-04:00

grips my heart. Its cold shadows slowly creep to remind me of what needs to be done. But if there's anything redeeming about it, it is my choice after all. Thus, instead, twilight slowly creeps to remind me of what I have to do (personal imperative over necessity, although the line may be blurred).

I will fear for the faces I may not, but long to, see again. I will long for an infant and infants past who we love without reason - we just do.

Most of all, I fear the certainty that I will forget, because it is my nature.

First line borrowed from Ance without permission. Please don't sue me.

Travel Booboos

2008-06-18T06:42:00.000-04:00

Hello! I initially wanted to ask only for "legal" advice, but eventually I thought that some of you may have other tips on how to proceed.

My group of 12 paid for a package deal for a trip to Pagudpud (Ilocos Norte) and Vigan (Ilocos Sur). Our expectations were not met. Some examples are listed below. For reference, Ariel is the person from the agency who went with us to the trip. He also occupies a position of influence with the agency.

1. Two days before we left, Ariel told us that we won't be using a minibus anymore (as previously agreed upon) due to expensive gas prices. We thus had to use two vans which were not able to accommodate everybody comfortably. Imagine being on a seat whose support goes only up to your lower back, for 10 hours of travel. Note that a minibus was what was indicated in the proposal.

2. We were supposed to leave at 7 pm from Gateway, Cubao last June 11 (as indicated in the schedule). Some of us were late because of the inclement weather, but by 7:40 all of us travellers were already at the meeting place. One of the two vans however arrived only at past 10 pm because it left from Laguna only at 7 pm. It wasn't able to leave earlier as well due to color coding. Note that the agency was fully cognizant of our schedule.

3. The afternoon of the day we arrived in Pagudpud, Ariel was nowhere to be found. He left the two drivers who were too tired to drive anymore (understandably). This turned out to be a problem since we had planned trips that afternoon (something the agency knew) which were indicated in the proposal. Eventually, we were able to force the drivers, but after much haranguing with Ariel who at times would not respond to our phone calls. There were instances where he just hanged up when the discussion got heated.

4. It was indicated in the proposal that we didn't have to pay entrance fees anymore to the different tourist spots in the itinerary; these were already covered by the package fees. However, we had to personally shell out the entrance fee to Malacanang in the North.

5. There was supposed to be a calesa ride in Vigan, and there were other tourist spots in the itinerary, which we were not able to experience.

6. We were scheduled to leave Vigan for Manila Sunday after lunch. Saturday evening, Ariel told us that we had to leave Sunday morning at 9 am because they had to be back in Manila by 5 pm. This was because they still had another trip to go to. We bargained to leave at 10 am, fully cognizant of the fact that they were late for 3 hours (something we haven't forgiven Ariel yet). Some of us were late by a few minutes. Ariel let out a few tirades, how a lot of us were so slow and that we should just take the bus on our way back since the vans had to leave early.

Does anybody have any suggestions on what can be done? Is there a civil liability here? We managed to enjoy, but admittedly we really could have enjoyed more. Tears of frustration from our side were shed, all because of the unprofessionalism of Ariel. This was a trip that our group prepared for months in advance. Some of us sacrificed a lot just so we could be in the Philippines and go on this trip. Some of us even threatened to resign when their vacation leaves on the days of travel were suddenly in danger of being recalled. The point is, this trip was not something we took lightly. Thus, we took great offense with how easily Ariel and his party were able to renege on what was promised to us. My companions might want to give it a rest (since we enjoyed anyway), and I deeply respect that. However, this is something I want to pursue.

Thank you! If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to send me a message, or call me (if you know my number).

Finally

2008-01-15T19:44:00.000-05:00

Oddly enough, I suddenly found myself thinking of the result of my qualifying exam this Tuesday morning. Before I went home at 11 am, I checked my mailbox to see if the result was out. Nothing. Just some letters and some forms I needed to fill up.

In hindsight, it wasn't probably odd to think about it. I was expecting the result to come out this week anyway.

When my roommate Jose came home at 6:30 pm, the first thing he said was "So, any good news?" "About what?" I replied. He said, "about the qualifying exams. They came out this afternoon." I told him I had no idea since I went home before lunch. I'll just check it tomorrow since I have to finish preparing for my Wednesday lecture.

Nah.

I took the first available bus to school, thinking the two minute wait for the 3B Northwestern bus to be too long a wait. It afforded me the chance to look back at all the things I gave up preparing for this, and all the frustration that came with it. Of the Christmases and New Years not fully enjoyed, since the knife hanging over my head constantly reminded me that I should be studying, despite the imposition of 24 hour study breaks which only at best alleviated my worries partially. Of vacations spent in the Philippines which, while fully enjoyed, never erased the fact that I still had major exams to take. These were just exams, but on them depended whether I could "upgrade" myself from being a master's student to a doctoral student. On this depended whether I could change my student classification in time for applying for a new student visa this May. Failing the exam would mean for me not going home to the Philippines this summer.

December 2005, I passed Probability but failed Algebra. August 2006 I took only Complex Analysis and passed it (I even had to pay PhP10,000+ to change my return flight to the US so I could take this exam). December 2006 I finally passed Algebra but failed Real Analysis. At this point, I've passed three. I only needed to pass Real Analysis. No worries - students have three attempts at each exam.

I went back earlier - July 2007 - to the US so I could review for Real Analysis, which I failed (a second time) August 2007. I was down to my last chance. I can't afford any mistakes anymore, and I had to study like I've never studied before. I went through bouts of extreme sadness in the process, thinking if I was good enough.

Fast forward to this evening.

On behalf of the Graduate Committee it is my pleasure to congratulate you for satisfactorily completing the Qualifying Examinations in the January 2008 Qualifier Exam Session.

The next step in your academic program is to satisfy the foreign language requirement and take the Advanced Topics Examination. This examination should be taken within a year and a half from now.

Once again, congratulations on this achievement. Please feel free to come see me if you have any questions or to discuss your plans.

My students are going to have an easy quiz tomorrow.

Strangebrew Aliens

2007-12-07T21:05:00.000-05:00

I've met my one post a month limit. The next post should be in January. Yet here I am.

Must be a pretty good reason for not following rules. I think it's a darn good reason. Strangebrew with Tado and Erning.

Thanks to JohnLloy who posted these on YouTube. I don't know him from Adam. I just woke up this morning thinking of Tado and Erning. I had to look them up in YouTube, I thought. And look them up I did when I got home.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Enjoy!

Theory of Everything

2007-12-01T04:27:00.000-05:00

The realization that it is already December evoked some trepidation in me, since it is a non-escapable reminder of the things that need to be done. It also reminded me that I can now go back to doing my once-a-month blogging. So here goes.

Trillanes was at it again. I won't go into the details anymore. Everybody in the Philippines knows what happened. If you're not in the loop, here's the BBC report.

My initial reaction was that of disbelief, frustration, then silent resignation.

Disbelief that he was doing it again. He failed before. And isn't he actually going through a trial for the same thing he was about to do (or have already done)? Wasn't he supposed to be guarded? I get it, the security detail was probably taken aback. However, I also can't brush off the realization that there are other people who have been crucified for lighter offenses. Even if certain mistakes were never your intention, either you own up to it and face the consequences or stop being an adult. I have to say though that the calculated logician in me is hesitant about handing judgment haphazardly when I only have tidbits of what happened. Then again, I'm just explaining my initial reaction.

Okay, back to the disbelief episode. Does he have a new strategy that will ensure success this time? (Not that I wanted him to succeed.) It's like, I knock at somebody's office to find that the person I'm looking for isn't there. I go out the office's door (the only entry/exit point), scratch my behind for 10 seconds, then go in again and ask if the person I'm looking for is already there. Chances are, he's not yet there. Chances are, you'll also piss off the other people there.

Frustration that, while I am not a fan of the current Philippine government, destabilization efforts at this point would seem to do more harm than good. I know there is such a thing as fighting for ideals. You should never subordinate your ideals to matters of convenience. Romantic, yes. Practical, no. But then again, our humanity, our national identity, while driven for a significant part by practical matters and efficiency, is ultimately defined by what we truly believe in. Anyway, there is also such a thing as doing things the right way. Not only did they (Trillanes and cohorts) follow a strategy that's extra-constitutional, they also dragged the rest of us (in a manner of speaking) with what they did. Investor confidence, international reputation, stock market movements. Those kinds of things.

While I believe we shouldn't be fully defined by how other countries perceive us since only we could establish our national identity, there is still something to be learned from looking from an outside vantage point. It becomes all the more painful when we are a service oriented society that is heavily dependent on certain resources from other nations. It was a bit of a surprise actually when my office mate Sheldon didn't ask me about the Trillanes "event". After all, it was him who first asked me about the Wowowee stampede and the Guinsagon landslide. Earlier, we just chatted instead a bit about Vladimir Putin and elections in Russia. Regarding the extra-constitutional means, the event put me also in soul-searching mode, in relation to EDSA Dos. What differentiates one from the other, and what makes one right and the other wrong? Or is it all just a matter of which side you're on? It is a good topic for soul searching, although unfortunately, I still have a lot of other things to do requiring much of my enery, and so my soul would have to take a backseat for now.

After everything's been said and done (that's not the last cliche here ... I have a quota, mind you), it all boils down to the fact that we seem to be drifting from one crisis to the next. Seriously, it gets fucking tiring (the f word is necessary to add pizazz to an otherwise incoherent post). And overwhelming. Other people end up accepting the events that transpired with silent resignation. Yes, we shouldn't be apathetic. It's not that people don't care anymore. People can't help be numbed.

I mentioned my gripes a long time ago about our national insecurity, about the pressure to be world class, of how unfortunately it seems that the only way we can relate with other nations is by looking up. How, we rejoice at the littlest achievement which we blow out of proportion. Instead, why don't we look at other indicators where our standing with other nations really matter? A World Bank team, in a report they made, ranked the Philippines at 133 out of 178 for ease of doing business. If you zoom in to the rankings for East Asia and Pacific, we are at 21 of 24, ahead of Cambodia, Laos, and Timor Leste. How about that? Okay, I have no expertise to make critical conclusions out of this, but as a layman, I am appalled at how countries hardest hit by the 1997 economic crisis such as Thailand have sped ahead of us. While surveys and studies are done under certain assumptions and parameters, they still tell us something about our strengths and weaknesses.

Before I forget, here's a little something courtesy of Philippine Comedian. Download the picture, post it on your blog, spread it around, to express your love for Trillanes.

One other thing that grinds my gears is that, at the end of if all, it's these "little" things that seem to stop us from making significant strides. There are bigger, more worthwhile things in the world. Everybody else is already working on solving algebraic equations, while we couldn't get past one apple plus one apple equals two apples. And hey, Malaysia is already planning on sending its first astronaut to space some two years from now. I'm not asking that we send our own astronaut now. There are other issues we need to deal with first. Again, back to my point. We're always getting stuck at inopportune moments.

Talking about things that are longer lasting and which transcend historical nuances, here's what I really wanted to blog about. Yeah, the preceding was just a side note, hahaha.

Physicists have recognized Four Fundamental Forces of Nature as follows, in decreasing order of strength:
1. Strong Nuclear Force
2. Electromagnetic Force
3. Weak Nuclear Force
4. Gravitational Force

These four forces encompass all particle interactions in the known physical universe. Other forces which we see at a macro scale such as friction are governed at a micro scale by these forces, in the way subatomic particles interact with each other.

A better understanding of our physical reality is always achieved through theories that explain why things are the way they are from first principles. One example is why the planets in our solar system move in an elliptic orbit around the sun. The ellipse is a result of Kepler's Laws of Planetary Motion, which were probably inspired by empirical observations of the elliptical orbits. The physical reality fortunately is backed up by theory and mathematical derivations. Basically, the orbit is not a random thing.

But just like most mathematical derivations, these were based still on certain facts that are in turn derived from other facts supported by other notions, up to the most basic components. Still, there is an underlying structure, a rationalization. This is not to preclude the possibility that certain phenomena are beyond the scope of logic, but if indeed there is a logic, a certain harmony to things, it is a human imperative to discover what these are.

It is precisely the acknowledgment of this harmony that lies beneath various Design (Teleological) Arguments for God's existence. There is a structure to the universe, a design that shows a purpose. A design that was actually made by a designer, that matches with a god-notion.

Going back to the 4 forces/interactions, for years, physicists have tried to come up with a unifying theory for these. All efforts have proved "futile" thus far. There is a so-called Standard Model which is the best our species has come up with so far. It has these limitations:
1. It explains three forces, except gravitation.
2. The explanation for the other three is based on manual inputs that are not derived from first principles.

First principles? Here's a quick, ridiculously simplified explanation. Suppose I am thinking of a number which I don't tell you. All I tell you is that it is divisible by 4 (such as 4, 8, 12, 16, 20, and so on). Then I ask you: is the number even? How can you answer that, when I never told you my number. Finally, you give up, and I tell you it was 100. That means, the answer is YES, since 100 is an even number. However, here's a case where it's actually possible to conclude that the number is even (just based on my claim that it's divisible by 4). In other words, you didn't really need me to reveal the number (i.e. make me tell you explicitly the number), since it can be proven from "first principles" that a number divisible by 4 can only be even.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, the four fundamental forces and the Standard Model, which isn't complete.

Just last November, it seems that somebody finally came up with a complete model. Anthony Garrett Lisi, an American physicist, submitted "An Exceptionally Simple Theory of Everything."

Just like all potentially significant leaps in human theoretical knowledge, this still needs to be scrutinized and subjected to the most unforgiving methods of verification before it can be accepted as truth. Some have already expressed their skepticism, which is healthy actually, since it then gives experts avenues from which they could attack Lisi's work. Until the work has been peer-reviewed, the rest of humanity will have to wait.

The work done by Lisi is based on E8, which, let's just say, is some complex mathematical object formulated in the late 1800s, and which took a lot of years of collaboration between mathematicians before some of its properties were established. The title of Lisi's work is a play on the fact that E8 is, using jargon, a "simple group" and an "exceptional group".

Whether or not his work is a dud (now, that's actually being harsh), I'm sure this is still a significant piece of work, which could still ultimately lead to other theories that might answer other gaps in our understanding of the universe.

If this is the real thing, then this would be as big a news as Einstein and Relativity, or Andrew Wiles and Fermat's Last Theorem.

************************

It is things like these which will continue to affect future generations, and not silly insignificant things such as mutinies.

Something Phishy Happened

2007-11-05T19:41:00.001-05:00

I know you've been raring to know the juicy details involved in last week's phishing incident on my Yahoo! account. Oh, you also need a password. You could ask me, or ask the others who know. As of this posting, the following people know the password.

Ateneo affiliation: Caro Patacil and Christian Chanshio
PEX affiliation: Lang Mirasol

There is a reason why the details are password protected. While I trust my friends to whom I'll give the password, and by extension also the people who my contacts above are willing to share the password with, let it be said that GIVING THE PASSWORD INDISCRIMINATELY AND WITHOUT EXERCISE OF BETTER JUDGMENT IS A BETRAYAL OF MY TRUST. I am a nice person in general, and am very restrained. Nice persons, when pushed to the limit, explode eventually. Thus, you have to believe that when I get angry because you decided to be a jerk, I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! I WILL BRING YOU DOWN! I WILL NOT KILL YOU, BUT YOU KNOW I HAVE IT IN ME TO WISH YOU A VERY VIOLENT DEATH.

Clicky clicky! Have fun!

Dream

2007-10-04T16:35:00.000-04:00

Despite the fact that I was able to catch up on some sleep this morning, I still couldn't help but yawn in one of my classes just this afternoon. And it wasn't really because Stefanov was lecturing on energy methods and boundary value problems for the wave equation. A lot of catching up still needs to be done, apparently.

I looked out the window and noticed the window drape and its color (which I can't remember anymore). I remember the color in my mind, but I can't put a name to it. And I thought how amazing, incredible, and scary it is that not all objects can be verbalized (at least that's what I think). It has to be said, however, that I somehow doubt this statement's veracity since the amount you can verbalize is, for a large part, a function of your vocabulary. And I guess, for every object/thing/concept for which there is as yet no existing word (in the current generally accepted lexicon), you could always just make up a new one. This thought sent me back to philosophy classes of some ten years ago, how I wasn't able to appreciate them the way I do now. Was it Heidegger or Marcel? Or somebody else who talked about language and communicating to "the" other? What if we are using words, which we think hold the same meaning for all of us, when in fact, they don't? How have we thus managed as a people to be where we are now? And if we actually did manage to use words to encapsulate precisely the same meanings in everyone's minds, how did we actually do it?

And that's when this veil of haze clouded my thoughts, in the middle of Stefanov's proof that total energy is preserved. Who am I inside this physical shell that is my body? Straight out of old Twilight Zone episodes (the black and white ones are better), what if everything else other than this consciousness, is a fantasy? Everything else is just something concocted by this very same consciousness. And in a sense, everything outside the self, thus, is not real? That I am my own universe. Consequently, what is real?

I am living in this universe of one possibility - are there other universes of possibilities too? If yes, why am I (and by that, I mean my consciousness) here? Admitting with guilt the elation associated with being here in the US, I asked, why am I here, at this point in this physical plane? I remember, like it was all a dream, growing up in this house of stone far away, going to school and one day sleeping till my first grade teacher woke me up because the person fetching me was already looking for me. I remember my parents, brothers, unborn sister, the dog named after Rubeus Hagrid, and the man with Down Syndrome who tended the store where I used to buy Flat Tops. He was a highly unlikeable chap, till one day in high school I realized he wasn't so bad after all. I made sure to buy some Flat Tops from him last summer.

Are they real? Would the world have gone on if they didn't exist? Why are my parents who they are? Why did we actually turn out to be bipeds in our particular evolutionary history? Is everything just a random conglomeration of... something, anything? What will happen to us in the end, and what is "the" end?

And just because it feels cathartic, albeit poser-like to say it, I have to ask too: what the fuck is this all about?

All these brought to mind this "weird" experience I had when I was young. I regret the fact that at that age (I was probably 4 or 5), I didn't have the capacity to remember all the facts yet (was it a vivid dream), and articulate what kind of experience it was - spiritual, supernatural? It was late afternoon to evening, and I was standing in the gap between our house and my friend/neighbor Andrew's house. I looked up at the sky, and saw the moon, and stars, moving before me, aligning in a pattern which screamed evil in my mind's eye. And I felt dizzy, fearing what it meant, or probably fearing the fact that I didn't know what it meant. I wobbled on my way home.

I could have been sleepwalking and dreaming at the same time. Will I ever know what that was about? Will we ever find out the answers to some of our questions? If there are definite answers, why are they hidden from us? Who took the PhP 200,000 that was in my care almost 6 years ago? Who planned the assassination of Ninoy Aquino? How did the universe start? Will I have kids, and in that case, how will I be able to find in me the capacity to love them like they are the only things that are real in this world? Will they then be proof to me, that yes, things in this world are real after all?

-----------------------
Tell me all your thoughts on God
Coz I'd really like to meet Her
And ask Her why we're who we are

-Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla-

Warped

2007-09-21T23:22:00.000-04:00

The end of this hellish week is something I've looked forward to since Monday. The workload in itself was already something for the books, but I never really complain about such things. I just buckle down to work, do what I have to do, and immerse myself fully till completion and I'm satisfied that my work is more than satisfactory.

Last Tuesday, I was convinced to take part in a Filipino cultural presentation organized by a Filipina, L, here for the church she attends. It was only for an hour Thursday afternoon, and it ran smack into one of my classes. I also had a deadline that same afternoon. As I said, this was a very bad week for me. I had to say no. But you must have figured out by now that I changed my mind. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this.

I've never danced anything of cultural significance before. I went to a boy's school, and so there really wasn't any opportunity to do the Carinosa during our growing up years. But along with the fact that there's not too many of us Filipinos here relative to other ethnicities is the pressure, the demand, to be good Filipino boys and girls - which I don't really mind at all. I try to do my best in my studies because I want to, not so much because I'm Filipino. But if people see what I do as a corollary of my being Filipino, of my environment and the factors that shaped me, that's fine by me. Anyway, I'm still aware that it is incumbent on us to project a good image, if the opportunity presents itself.

With this nationalistic precept in mind, I finally said yes. It meant not showing up in my Thursday Management class. It meant finishing up the PDE problem set earlier than usual (or sacrificing sleeping time - a precious economic commodity nowadays) since I had to make time for the Carinosa dance practice. But hey, I thought, two dancing pairs will look better than a solitary pair. The new Pinoy guy is a freshie (duh), and I wouldn't put it on him to set aside time for this given his busy schedule while he's still adjusting to life here. The other older guys just didn't have the same motivation as I did. It then became my national duty to complete the second dancing pair.

We finally got to practice Wednesday night. We had less than 24 hours. It was my first time to do something like this. Why the organizer, L, told us about this only last Tuesday, we weren't able to ask anymore. We already said yes after all, and whether she just forgot or she decided to do all this on a whim, we had to give it our best shot.

It went okay actually. All along we thought our audience would be adults. We didn't know we would actually be presenting in front of kindergarten to 7th grade students in the school of L's church. Hey, less pressure. Some of the kids I think actually liked it. Hey, not bad for an amateur. Besides, I was finally able to wear the barong tagalog I've had with me since I came here.

BUT ALL THAT I'VE SAID SO FAR IS NOT REALLY THE POINT OF THIS WHOLE BLOG. I was just letting you into the setting :)

It was when L started her "lecture" on the Philippines. I figured it would be the usual talk on how the Philippines is on the other side of the globe, that the capital is Manila, yadda yadda yadda. Which is fine by me. The school wanted a special focus on Asian countries this school year, which is a mighty fine decision by me. It would probably help give these kids a wider perspective regarding international dynamics eventually, especially since whether misguided or not, a lot of us believe that Americans think there is no world outside their 50 states.

So L mentioned the Spanish Ferdinand Magellan as the one who "discovered" the Philippines. Only problem is, he's Portuguese. Okay, I guess that's forgivable. Then eventually he returned, except that it was really Miguel Lopez de Legazpi. Hmm. Okaaay. But then I thought that sometimes you could still transcend the details of history and still retain an appreciation of the events. Like, would the significance of Magellan's arrival be diminished if it was on March 15, 16 or 17? I don't think so. So I guess this lapse was still forgivable.

I've always had a bone to pick with the "discovery" by Magellan of the Philippines. Sorry I can't quote sources now, but some nationalists are of the point of view that the choice of the word "discovery" is unfortunate, is inappropriate, since the occupants of the "Philippines" then (quotations due to the fact that it wasn't really a country yet back then), definitely have more bragging rights to such a lofty title. So Magellan as "discoverer" is a Eurocentric notion. But hey, it's our history, and it ought to be written with our point of view. So Magellan simply "re-discovered" the Philippines, which is still no good. About this, Teodoro Agoncillo said to Ambeth Ocampo, "Gago ka rin pala eh! Do you know what you are saying? Did the Philippines disappear under the sea and come up again for Magellan to rediscover it? How can you rediscover what is not lost?"

Anyway, it could just be a matter of semantics. L was a product of the way history was taught in the day. I couldn't really blame her for that. I probably was just being picky. But hey, Teodoro Agoncillo rocks!

Back to the Philippine lecture. She then showed pictures of people getting nailed to the cross on Good Friday. The usual blood and gore. The works. Then she went on saying that people in the Philippines believe they have to do this so their sins would be forgiven. Note that the audience consists of kids as young as 5 years old.

A toddler asked if we had dogs back home in the islands. Cute question really, coming from a 5 year old. Yes, L said. However, we don't have clinics for them. Dogs are not really taken care of. Again, the audience consists of kids as young as 5 years old.

Pictures taken from some of the rice terraces in northern Philippines were shown too, and indigenous people in their native attire. L mentioned that some people have their own dresses, but people elsewhere wear normal attire.

People in the Philippines are poor. A lot don't eat three times a day. Some people live in houses where there are no toilets. Short of saying we are a nation of mendicants.

And I'm also just tired of this notion that the Philippines is the 3rd largest English speaking nation in the world, after the US and UK. Unless somebody shows me hard proof, I'm going to continue treating this as a national myth. Where do Australia and Canada come in?

The assertion that we're the only Christian nation in Asia used to be true for a long time, until Timor Leste came of age. But for the love of God, our being the only (or one of two) Christian nation doesn't mean we're the only ones who believe in God.

And there were others. Ad infinitum. Ad nauseaum. I was stressed enough with schoolwork. I decided the stress I was getting from listening to this lecture was something I didn't deserve, so I discreetly went out of the room. Muttering inside. Once in a while I'd go back in, but I'd find myself sighing heavily with frustration and making my way out the back door again. Muttering again.

I've never heard this much political incorrectness, historical inaccuracy, national insecurity and colonial subservience squeezed in 30 minutes, peddled as truth in front of impressionable kids.

One of the other Filipinos there, A, was in the back. I had to let it out, so I told her. It was a relief to know that she was also thinking of the same things as I was. It explained the sour look on her face. It didn't help that the "lecture" was peppered with a lot of "information" that, let's face it, is just not relevant to a 6-year old kid. You can't overwhelm them with facts. It will just be lost on them. What's worse it that these kids, we felt, would leave the lecture with nothing else but the notion that the Philippines is this very backward country, where people do all these strange things, that there's nothing beyond the squalor, the poverty, the despair that envelops an overwhelming lot. That America is the land of the free, the great, the best. That everywhere else, people and their norms are inferior to the American way.

I've been reflecting on why this happened. I'm sure L loved the Philippines. That's why I and my other Filipino friends agreed to help because we believed in her goal of letting others know more about her country of birth. That's why I decided to make this sacrifice of helping out. It hurt that at the end of it all, I couldn't shrug off the feeling that it might have been better if the presentations that day didn't push through at all. Better that they didn't know about the Philippines at all. Scary thought. Or at least, NOT THIS WAY. This was one big slap on the face.

Two years ago, the 6-year old daughter of a friend asked me a strange question. Now, this daughter was born here in the US. She asked me if I slept in a soft bed instead of a wooden bed. I said yes. She replied, I must have been very rich. What made her say that, I asked. It's because her dad (my friend) told her that he used to sleep on a bed made of rattan and bamboo. After some prodding, I realized that her dad's stories were told in the context of making her appreciate the luxuries and blessings she was getting (probably when she wouldn't eat her veggies). You could probably imagine her dad telling her that when he was young, he went to school in sandals (gasp, not shoes) and slept in beds made of wood (gasp, without a mattress). Unfortunately, she ended up getting this impression that there is nothing beyond the poverty we have in the Philippines. Yeah, the Philippines is poor. I'm not disputing that. But you have to be careful with impressionable kids, who can't help but see things in black and white.

I'm no absolute romantic in the sense that, hey, I do know where we are in the economic pecking order of the world. I do know that it's senseless to just gloss over our national shortcomings, since ignoring them won't solve them. In short, we all have to admit and acknowledge where we have room for improvement (should be spacious conference halls - yeah, that big, hahaha), where other countries dominate us. But not to the point that we let these limitations define us.

Is this a product of our colonial insecurity? A consequence of our history of subservience to other nations? Perhaps. It's probably also why we always have this need to prove ourselves. Remember the lunar rover and the fluorescent lamp? Now, I don't intend to demean the outstanding things some of our compatriots have done in international competitions, but without giving specifics, I feel like the manner in which we as a nation derive pride from these is akin to bragging about the time we got a perfect score in our spelling quiz in fourth grade during a job interview. C'mon! Can't we hold ourselves up to higher standards? Why do we as a nation have to strive to be "pang-world class" for its own sake when we can just do our darndest best for the sake of improving ourselves (and consequentially, be truly world-class)? Why do we have to feel this need to be able to stand beside others? Is it because the only way we can look at them is by looking up?

This reminds me of the IMSCF Syndrome. When some Filipinos here are asked what they are, the response always has to be "I'm Spanish, Chinese, Filipino." Punyeta! Why can't you just say you're Filipino? Don't get me wrong. If you really ARE of Spanish and Chinese lineage, then this syndrome doesn't apply to you. The bone I have to pick with this syndrome is, if you don't have such lineage, why do you need to make a false claim on your ancestry, as if your being Filipino can't stand on its own - that you have to seemingly justify your self worth by laying claim to such ethnic forgery by reason of historical association?

I had to get this out of my system. I acknowledge that L's heart was in the right place, that people see things very differently sometime. Last Thursday was a good example of this. Although, yeah, I know, it's easier to criticize than to actually do something. I admit that if she asked me to do the lecture myself, I really would have said no. She probably didn't want to burden us anymore with preparing a presentation, given that she only informed us last Tuesday evening and the dance was Thursday after lunch. But still, if she decided she was going to do it, she had a responsibility to do it well.

Stolen

2007-08-03T16:11:00.000-04:00

Song that keeps running in my mind right now. It's been on heavy rotation on my iPod for a few days now. I guess I'm a sucker for songs that are "orgasmic." By this, I mean songs that rise to a crescendo.

Stolen
by Dashboard Confessional

We watch the season
Pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

Invitation only
Grant Farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed
Too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart

And from the ball room floor
We are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all
Will sleep well
Sleep Well

Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well

You have stolen
You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

Watch you spin around
In your highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
We
All
Look
Like
We
Feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

----

Orgasmic songs help me study. I imagine ideas rushing to me at about the same time a song rises to its peak.

Which reminds me, I need to go back to studying. Lord, one more week. Give me strength. And some energy drink, lol.

----

And know that when it gets to "You are the best one of the best ones," I am thinking of you. I hope you had a good uneventful flight.

Chichen Itza

2007-07-08T13:57:00.000-04:00

The new Seven Wonders of the World were announced last Saturday, July 7, 2007, on such an auspicious date. The winners are:

1. Great Wall of China (People's Republic of China)
2. Petra (Jordan)
3. Christ the Redeemer (Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
4. Machu Picchu (Cuzco, Peru)
5. Chichen Itza (Yucatan, Mexico)
6. Colosseum (Rome, Italy)
7. Taj Mahal (Agra, India)

I've been to Chichen Itza in July 2005. Yeah, this was when Neil Gaiman came to visit the Philippines. The event was the International Mathematical Olympiad, which is held in a different country each year. Last 2005, it was in Merida, Mexico. A few days before the closing, the organizers toured the various countries' leaders and contestants to Chichen Itza. We were supposed to stay there till late in the afternoon, but had to leave after lunch because Hurricane Emily was on its way.

It didn't look like Huracan Emily was on its way.

hmmm...

2007-06-26T05:37:00.000-04:00

Staring at the cursor, unsure of what to write. It's just this feeling that I need to capture the moment. How could I, when I couldn't even put my fingers on it. To hell with having to think of the words that would impress the most number of people. Capturing the moment, whatever that is, is so much more important. Because moments like this are fleeting, short-lived, temporary (?) , and hence precious.

It's been a good day. For more than one reason.

If we must, here's one of them.

I'm here. Yes, I'm here. In that case, why leave at all? Good question. Because I've made a decision, and I'll see it through. If I never left, I would have always pondered the possibility, not giving me any rest. My leaving is worth all the feelings that come with it, because there's a reason why I leave. Coming home every now and then is just so I stay completely rooted to home. Which begs a question: do I really believe that by not coming home, I'll lose my roots, and to be more dramatic, a sense of who I am? Whoever I am cannot be lost by where I am. I'm just me. Imperfect, devious, honest (or at least I try to be), insecure, flippant, conformist and rebel. And so is everybody else, to some degree.

Anyway, is there really any reason why I go home? Yes, and it's very simple. I just want to. Not for any big ideal, but for the little things. Eating at Jollibee. Meeting up with friends till 2 am. Watching Tagalog shows. Eating at KFC. Eating at Chowking. Eating goto. Sleeping. Waking up to pancakes decorated with geometrical patterns in syrup. Waking up to food already cooked. Wearing underwear which are washed and well pressed a day after leaving in the hamper. Not having to worry about dying in the freezing cold (although the heat made me sick).

There are other reasons.

Little things do matter.

Like receiving a text message. One. Unexpected but longed for. Freely given.

Still Fighting It

2007-04-15T13:25:00.000-04:00

I've secretly hated those blog posts which seemed to not have anything much on them except lyrics or song clips made by other people. You see, a blog post should be something that you made.

So why am I just all of a sudden airing out this "hate" at the risk of incurring the ire of my other blogger friends who might be "guilty" of the crime described above?
(Weird unrelated thing: I typed "dussen" at first instead of "sudden.")

Because I've decided to join in the fun, that's why! Nyahahahahaha.

-courtesy of TheHitman45-

STILL FIGHTING IT
by Ben Folds Five

Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95
It's okay, you dont have to pay
I've got all the change

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry

Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you 'bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things

Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
You'll try and try and one day you'll fly
Away from me

Good morning, son
I am a bird

It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
Oh, we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it

And you're so much like me
I'm sorry

I first heard this song on NU107 back in college. That was also around the time I first heard "Kanlungan" by Noel Cabangon in the same station, before the song was used by McDonald's and eventually became famous. Yes folks, "Kanlungan" was played in NU107.

Problem was, I never got to hear the title of the song. The only clues I had at that time were: (1) it sounded so Ben Folds Five, and (2) I had goosebumps after hearing the song. I didn't know the title, and I wasn't even able to retain much of the words, save for "I'm sorry." I thought googling "I'm sorry" alone would be futile that I never even tried.

Of course it was only after many years that the thought of googling "Ben Folds lyrics I'm sorry" occurred to me. This was also during the time I discovered YouTube. This was around last year, 2006. I finally found the title which enabled me to look up the lyrics online and finally buy the song on iTunes.

One thing led to another, hence this blogpost.

October 23, 2001 (Part II)

2007-04-13T14:05:00.000-04:00

What do I make of all these? How has this event changed my life? Do I still harbor residual resentment towards certain people and situations?

Why post this at all?

Now, what happened after and how people reacted.

*******

This was worse than the time somebody stole my bag in our school's adoration chapel when I was in fifth grade. I didn't get back the wallet I had inside. It was a Purefoods wallet, the one they used to sell with Alvin Patrimonio's picture on it, hahaha. At least I got my books and notebooks back.

So this time, I wasn't just about ready to give up without a fight. A lot of good things have happened in my life in the past. Good family, school distinctions, international competitions - I was blessed! I didn't really have any idea who I was up against that time, but at least I could continue hoping for the best. Good things have happened before in my life, and I was willing to have another good thing happen to me. I was hoping the money would come back.

A co-teacher suggested I do a novena to St. Anthony of Padua (incidentally, my section in first year High School), patron saint of lost things and missing persons. Yes, I did it. And that's been the only time I've done a novena in my life.

Another co-teacher suggested we consult with a fortune teller who was their neighbor in Banawe. The fortune-teller said the thief was somebody I knew. She (the thief) and her accomplice in fact were already agonizing about what they've done, and that they're feeling very much the guilt imposed on them by the theft. The fortune teller also offered to peek into my future, but I declined since while I believed in each person's intrinsic freedom to chart his own path, I was very vulnerable during those times. I and my other friends who went with me to the fortune teller were persons of science, and we knew that consulting a soothsayer goes against the natural parameters of logic and reason, but we were desperate for leads.

What the fortune teller told me reinforced what I've already realized up that point. The thief knew who I was, and I knew who he/she was. (For ease of writing, I will refer to the thief in the masculine, despite the fortune teller's pronouncement that the main thief was a female.) He knew exactly where the money was. My table had two drawers. Only the lock for the drawer with the money was broken. There were other valuables in that big faculty room. Nothing else was stolen. Everything was done deliberately. The only goal was to get that big amount in my drawer.

The dirty bastard was somebody who worked in that University (probably in the same department, or in the same college), and he stole money that wasn't even mine.

*******

Let me whine first. After all, this is my blog.

I feel uncomfortable with asking permission to whine. Can't I just whine subtly, and not have to declare it to the whole world? Well, I think I need to put things in context, and back then, in the middle of all this, I felt so cheated. I thus need to say why I felt so cheated. Of course, the theft itself was already unfair on its own. Whether my sentiments are justified or not, the fact remains that they were my sentiments, and it is my story I'm telling here.

I truly believe I was one of the department's workhorses during that time. I'd have to wake up early enough for a 7:30 am class, and it didn't help that commuting to my university was so difficult. I was always late. And that reflected in the evaluations my students made.

And it's not as if I could go home early so I could sleep early, and wake up early enough for my early morning class. I'd usually have to stay late and lock the faculty room myself. There were the usual courses I was taking as a masteral student. And when students come in to consult and ask about problems, I never send them away, even if it means answering their questions until 9 pm.

And that July of 2001, I was doing pretty much all of the dirty work for this activity I won't discuss in detail here, to protect not only my but other people's anonymity. Preparing for this activity (okay, it's some international competition, and I was like the assistant coach) involved me traveling from Quezon City to Bicutan at 8pm to get letters of recommendation from the DOST Secretary for the said activity, before going back home to Pasig. It is not easy to ask for and do a follow-up on their goddamn signatures! Red tape of what? It's the same friggin' letters they do every year. And why can't they just get the spelling right for the typewritten names I sent, so I don't have to go back to Bicutan again and wait for another set of days before the letters are signed again?

The said activity also involved making visa interview appointments with the US Embassy for 8 people, making sure everybody involved has all the required documents (DSWD certificates), talking with travel agents looking for the cheapest available airfare to the US for 10 people, coordinating with the other people involved on how I could collect their airfare, then forwarding this to the travel agent.

Oh yes, there's also begging for corporate funding for our trip. Drafting letters, making up a list of companies we were going to send these to, making a paper on what we were doing to sort of explain to these companies our situation, then going to some office in Makati, Manila, Quezon City to get their check donations.

There were times I wasn't able to meet up with my students because of things I needed to take care of related to this activity. Finding a substitute teacher was equally difficult. Like, c'mon, I wasn't just going elsewhere for a one-hour personal vacation! I had to go out brave the heat or rain for something related to work! It was easy to request some teachers to take over my classes for that day, but they also sometimes have their own classes, and so then I'd have to deal with the others.

Somebody had to do it, and I was thinking, it was for the student contestants. Because I've been in their shoes twice, and I knew the excitement they felt representing their country. I was doing all these out of a sense of duty. For free. Well, I guess technically it's not free since I didn't have to pay anymore for my airfare to Washington DC. But the thing is, in the past, when this activity still warranted full government support, the team leaders only had to take care of training the student contestants. Why did I always have to be assigned to those competitions which involved getting a US Visa (I did pretty much the same thing in 2005, when we had to go to Mexico)? Some of the contestant's parents were asking me if we were going to have any review at all for the contest. I said having a review is ideal, but unfortunately, looking for funding, making sure all of us had US visas, and getting the cheapest airfare would have to take top priority.

Unfortunately, I only had one body. And everything that had to be done prior to the actual trip was practically a one-man show: my show. I was in school 7 days of the week. It was during this time that my brothers got used to me talking and shouting in my sleep. It was during this time they stopped feeling guilty whacking me with a pillow just to shut me up so they can continue sleeping. It was during this time tears would just start to well in my eyes out of frustration when I couldn't find a particular document I needed among my pile of papers. It was during this time I got into the habit of banging all the pots and pans in the kitchen in the middle of the night just so I could keep awake, and I didn't care anymore if I woke everybody else (at least they have the luxury of going back to sleep). I was even thankful for the threats from my brothers to punch me in the face, because the fear I felt kept me awake.

The competition was in July. I've been out of the Philippines before, but I've never been really homesick until then. I was tired. But we pulled it through. I made it happen by doing all the dirty work. And I never got any credit, or if I did, I had to share it unfairly.

The Superman complex is my kryptonite. I was drafted afterwards for another task. Our department had to sponsor an international conference that same semester. Fortunately, I was this time just one among many workhorses. I still had to do a lot of things, the details I won't include anymore. They're less strenuous than the ones I had to do before, but you know what they say about straw - while each one carries little weight, in aggregate they can break a camel's back.

And again, I had to do all these on top of my teaching duties and responsibilities as a student. None of the things I did above would be considered significant factors for a salary increase. Which makes me think sometimes why we can't make the more senior faculty do more work, since they're getting paid more anyway. Yarrggghh, but that's why they're senior.

And then we jump to that part of the letter I posted previously. That part where after a much needed university sponsored faculty outing in Baguio, I had to go straight to my office to do something related to my students' grades, even though on that Sunday my relatives were waiting for me at home since my birthday celebration was scheduled that day. Of course, when I got home, they weren't there anymore.

*******

Not the exact words. And they did not happen in this sequence. This is a compilation of the initial questions and answers. Naturally, at the earlier stages, everything was so fragmented. I am not entertaining any fantasy that this is not a biased reconstruction. How could it be perfectly unbiased - we didn't exactly tape record our conversations. I'm at this point just relying on the general atmosphere of disbelief and questioning I remember from that time.

Others (O): Why did you (me) not deposit the money in the bank?
ME: I was busy. I didn't have time.
O: That's not an excuse.
ME: Believe it or not, it takes more than an hour of lining up at each cashier, not to count travel time to the bank. By the time I was done with my classes, the bank is already closed.
O: Why didn't you ask somebody to deposit the money for you?
ME: They said they're busy.
O: Why didn't you ask somebody to substitute for you so you could go to the bank?
ME: They said they're busy.
O: I can't believe this.
ME: Yes, it's frustrating.
O: You always have excuses.
ME: I'm sorry.
O: I can't believe you were not able to find time to go to the bank to deposit the money.
ME: The money was in the drawer. Only faculty members and staff have keys to this office. I was preoccupied with a million other things. I'm sorry I let my defenses down. I didn't think somebody would do this to me.
O: What bothers me is that you don't seem to be repentant at all.
ME: This is my defense mechanism. Somebody I know betrayed my trust. I am not just about to roll down on the floor and bawl. I will do so in my own time (jump to 2007, almost 6 years after, I still haven't let it all out).
O: You don't know all the trouble I had to go through explaining this to university officials.
ME: Nobody knows all the hardships I had to go through the past few months. And now, somebody backstabbed me. Somebody deliberately did this. My very integrity as a person is being questioned.
O: You're always complaining that you have so many things to do. There are other people here who are doing more work than you.
ME: How could I even begin to answer that?

And then the blaming. Why didn't I do this, why didn't I do that. One lesson I've picked up from this experience is that, when somebody is down (in this case, me), stating the obvious repeatedly doesn't accomplish anything productive. What it does however is rub salt on the wound. I never absolved myself of any error in judgment (I was naive, I was 21 for crying out loud). But at times I just wanted to blurt out, "For Pete's sake, I got your point already! Now could you please just shut up!" They'd say they were only concerned, but really, they were just trying to deal with the issue themselves.

*******

And then the criminal investigation. This was the most painful. The University security office hired an investigator. I think he was some NBI guy. I forgot his name. I think I could still remember his face though. His bearded face.

Every freakin' day he interrogated me, he'd ask me where I stashed the money. This while the actual thief is already somewhere else with the money.

He questioned my capabilities. He questioned my integrity. Every opportunity he got.

Him: Why didn't you do an accurate accounting of the finances. Aren't you supposed to be good in math? Are you that dumb not to be able to do this?
Me: (I can't say anything. He drained my life force out of me each time.)
Him: Your gig's up. Just tell me where you took the money. I don't believe what you're saying. It would be so much easier if you just told me the truth.

Perhaps he was considering also the possibility that the thief actually wasn't me. Maybe in his own way he was also following up his own leads to the actual thief. But if that was the case, I never got to know. Every day we talked, he would always try to persuade me to admit to the theft.

He drained the color out of me each time he interrogated me.
But I never cried. Never in front of him.

I was always asked if I had a suspect in mind. I had none. This did not help my case. I ended up being the main suspect. His recommendation was to file criminal charges against me. The actual thief is still out there.

*******

I was 21. I never broke the law. I had always been a good son, a good student. I always did more than what was expected of me.

Yes, I was also naive. I didn't even know that when a check is not deposited after 6 months, it becomes stale. I only took over the system (of managing the training program where we collected the registration fees) from somebody else. I didn't see the need to introduce anything yet to make the system more efficient (efficiency is a luxury in the face of the million other urgent tasks). I implemented the system then (of collecting registration fees, filing student records) as best as I could.

The three people (co-teachers) who I would have wanted so much to be there with me to comfort me, were in a sad twist of fate, in the US, Singapore, and France respectively. Other than my family, my staunchest allies at work were nowhere near. There wasn't anybody capable of defending me, at my side.

Ian (yes, his real name; names of people who do good to you should not be hidden) of course when he came back defended me in front of all the other senior faculty who were deciding my fate. Oh, how he told everyone that they're only involving themselves now because there was money involved. But during the past few months, I was alone with only very little help. However, he was only able to return to the Philippines when the worst was over, when the criminal investigation was over.

To their credit, the collective decision of the senior faculty was not to file criminal charges against me. I wonder if some of them actually wanted to. I wonder if some of them actually believed I stole the money.

However, by command responsibility, I had to pay for it. They did not make me pay the whole amount that was lost (around P150,000). They made me pay P15,000, which is more than my monthly salary. They gave me from November until March to pay the whole amount. They did this in consideration of all the hard work I've done for the department.

I appreciate that.

*******

The next day, I paid the P15,000. I also told them I was resigning.

This amount is not a ridiculously big amount. It was within my means. But I didn't steal the money, so why should I be paying? The full amount or not, this was now a matter of principle.

Being a teacher doesn't pay much. I knew that. I am not complaining about that. Nobody forced me to teach. It was something I wanted to do.

Doing more than what is expected of me, to the point where it hurts, is something I've done before and will continue doing. That is how people around me know me. I will never be less the person I am and can be.

However, to actually end up giving more than the measly salary I was already getting, in light of all the time and effort I had to give in to do not just my work (the one where I get paid) but also other volunteer stuff (where I don't get paid), was bordering on the ridiculous.

Q: Do I accept command responsibility?
A: Yes.
Q: Do I acknowledge that there has been negligence on my part?
A: Yes.
Q: Is the reduction in the amount I have to pay, and the 5 months given me to pay this amount, not considerate?
A: I so appreciate this scheme. There was simply no way for me to pay the P150000 on my own unless I sell one of my kidneys.

What do I make out of this then?
Sometimes your mind, reason, logic... they tell you something. The resolution seemed reasonable enough. But your heart, what you feel, they say something else. At this stage, I may not yet have attained the requisite level of articulateness required to pinpoint what it is I feel that tells me this is all bullshit.

Q: So why would you still want to resign? We don't want you to resign. You've done so much.
A: I don't know.

This is then when I learned that your mind and heart at times are two totally independent aspects of a person. Your reason tells you something, but you have to realize that the way you think is just an aspect of a limited and imperfect being - the self. That is why we at times find our comprehension in conflict with our other inner self, our emotions.

Q: Will you be able to able to resolve this inner conflict?
A: I'd like that. However, maybe I won't be able to.
Q: So why would you still choose to make a decision then?
A: Because I cannot be paralyzed by indecision. There are two choices here - to stay or to go. I could roll a dice for all I care, but I have to make that decision.

And this is when I learned that yes, a choice is the death of all other possibilities. We'll never know for sure what would have happened if we went through that other fork in the road. We may actually be choosing the wrong path in the long run. Even though we come to this conclusion in the future, as long as we know we considered all the information we knew at that time, we really can't blame ourselves. What's important is you made the decision considering all that you knew at that point. That is better than being paralyzed by indecision, by staying forever at that fork in the road.

This is the story of how I found myself working in June 2002 in the Ortigas area. Outside my comfort zone

*******

Some people would say that this is the best possible universe. I tend to agree with that. Despite everything that's happened, I am who I am for all the good and the bad things. For a while, my parents thought I would commit suicide. They never said it directly, but I knew that was where they were about to say before they stopped themselves. They said they knew I was too smart to even consider this as an option.

But at the end of the day, this was all just about money. No one was injured. No one died as a result. My parents would tell me that other people have bigger problems. This did give me some comfort, although it was never a habit of mine to alleviate my suffering by comparing it to how much more other people are suffering (because I tend to see this as putting myself in a superior position, and I think that is not healthy).

Sure, my integrity was questioned, those bastards are still out there. I wonder what they did with the money. How I've often fantasized of what I would do if they were found out, or if they eventually admit to their crime. I could hurt them with all the force my puny hands could give out. I could also hug them, after all the bitter words have been said, since I'd like to believe they also suffered through the guilt.

I am capable of forgiving. But I don't know who to forgive.

Oh, and fyi, yes, there is a Part III.

October 23, 2001 (Part I)

2007-03-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

Time heals wounds.

What follows is the report I made some 6 years ago. Names of persons and programs have been replaced to protect the identities of the other people concerned.

What do I make of all these? How has this event changed my life? Do I still harbor residual resentment towards certain people and situations?

Why post this at all?

First, the events as they unfolded and how I saw them.

*******

23 October 2001
10:30 a.m.
[W] Department
[Z] University

The [xxxxxxxxxxxx: name of program] ([YYY]: acronym for program) is a series of lecture-seminars in [W] for high school students, most of whom are from Metro Manila. I, [ubermensch], 22 years old, born 20 October 1979, Assistant Instructor of the [W] Department of the [Z] University, am in charge of managing the [YYY] for school year 2001-2002. The registration fees (P1,000.00 per participating high school student) have been entrusted to me. We had collected around P150,000.00 so far. They were kept in my drawer, which I always lock. It was my intention to deposit them to Bank of the Philippine Islands (Loyola Katipunan Branch) Account Number [xxxx-xxxx-xx (account now non-existent)] of [ubermensch] or [Mr. San Pedro] as soon as I found the time. [Mr. San Pedro], a Part-time Lecturer of the [Z] [W] Department, is part of the team organizing the [YYY] for this school year.

Until 17 October 2001, Wednesday, I haven’t deposited the amount as I was kept busy by tasks I had to do since the previous weeks, for the Conference on Graph Theory and Discrete Geometry, an international conference sponsored by our department. On the afternoon of the 17^th, I was thinking of leaving the money locked in my drawer, to our department secretary, [Ms. Romero], since I was scheduled to leave dawn of 18 October 2001, Thursday, for Baguio for the annual Faculty Rest and Recreation. We were scheduled to be back on 21 October 2001, Sunday. However, [Mr. San Pedro] told me that it wasn’t necessary as I could lock my drawer anyway. I conceded to that, since leaving the money with the secretary didn’t seem to be a significant step, as she was bound to lock up the money in her drawer anyway. [Mr. San Pedro] was also with me in Baguio so he also couldn’t deposit the money. [Ms. Pineda] and [Mr. Abada], the other members of the team managing the [YYY] and also Assistant Instructors of the [Z] [W] Department, also couldn’t deposit the money since [Ms. Pineda] went with us to Baguio, while [Mr. Abada] attended a conference in Iloilo. Thus, I was forced to leave my money in my drawer, and I made sure I locked my drawer before I left the department the afternoon of the 17^th.

I had the keys to the drawer with me when we were in Baguio. I had always felt secure with leaving money in the department. Other people left their money in their drawers in the department. The person who was in charge of the [YYY] funds last school year, [Ms. Razon] (formerly an Assistant Instructor), also left some cash in the drawer.

21 October 2001, Sunday, the coaster which fetched us from Baguio arrived at the [Z] around 3:30 – 4 p.m. I did not go home immediately since I still had to compute in the Math Department the grades of my students in my Ma22 classes as the distribution of their grades was the day after. When I went up the department and when I checked my drawer, much to my dismay, I found the drawer unlocked. I also didn’t find the bundle of money for the [YYY], which is tied by rubber bands and placed inside a white envelope. I didn’t pay attention to the splinters of wood where this white envelope was supposed to be. That time, I was just so intent on finishing the computation of my students’ grades so I could go home early as my relatives were waiting for me for my birthday celebration. I was so intent on this task of grade computation that I wanted to put this issue of the missing money at the back of my mind for a while. I rationalized that I must have left the money with the department secretary, [Ms. Romero], after all.

Unfortunately, when I checked with [Ms. Romero] the next day, she said that I never gave the money to her. I told [Mr. San Pedro], [Mr. Abada], and [Ms. Pineda] about the money which I couldn’t find. They helped me look for the money in my drawers but we weren’t able to find it. We checked my drawers at least twice, and I asked [Ms. Romero] at least twice whether the money was with her. All these efforts yielded negative results. The rationalization we had was that I must have misplaced the money.

As of this time, the only people who knew that I couldn’t find the money was me, [Mr. San Pedro], [Mr. Abada], [Ms. Pineda], [Ms. Romero], [Mr. Ferrer] (an Instructor of the [Z] [W] Department), and [Ms. Evangelista], the chair of the [Z] [W] Department.

Around 4:30 – 5:00 p.m. of the 22^nd, as I was sitting on my chair thinking of the various possibilities where the money could be, I noticed that a part of the drawer where I kept the money, was chipped off. I opened this drawer and looked at the drawer lock. After comparing this drawer lock with that of the other drawer which I never locked, I noticed that this drawer lock was damaged – it wasn’t lying flat and fastened anymore on the drawer. Then, I inserted the key to this drawer lock, and I discovered that the lock wouldn’t function anymore. I also noticed again the splinters of wood on where the envelope containing the money was supposed to be. I immediately notified [Mr. Abada], [Ms. Pineda], and [Mr. San Pedro] of this development, and we concluded that a theft indeed occurred, that it wasn’t a random one and was in fact premeditated. There were no damages to the drawers of the other faculty members and there was no evidence that the door to our department, the Big Faculty Room, SEC A 309, was forcibly opened.

That afternoon, we notified the Vice Chair of the [W] Department, [Ms. Tan], about our conclusion, as [Ms. Evangelista] had already left. ([Ms. Evangelista] subsequently notified [Ms. Evangelista] of our conclusions.) [Ms. Santisteban], Instructor in our department, and who kept office also in our room, was still with us that time, so she is also aware of the theft. [Ms. Romero] was also informed about the theft via the telephone.

We don’t have any suspects for the theft until now.

[ubermensch]
Assistant Instructor
[W] Department
[Z] University
[my home address line 1]
[my home address line 2]
Cell phone: (0917) 4343458
Telephone Number: [my home phone]

The Tenth Dimension

2007-03-13T03:03:00.000-04:00

I've always been fascinated with physics, although it comes as a far second after math. In the pecking order of natural sciences taught in Philippine high schools, physics is followed by chemistry then by biology. Biology is fine with me, although I abhor botany. Not to imply that my high school biology teacher sucked (because he was okay actually), but my chemistry and physics teachers were very good teachers.

I guess I like chemistry and physics because of the structural aspect. They are governed by rules much like mathematics. And I guess you don't have to go very far with these two subjects before you encounter some application of mathematics. Physics however is much more mathematical (at least based on what I've seen from my college analytical physics courses), and that is what draws me nearer to it than chemistry. I've been teaching college math for some time now, and there's always a disguised physics problem hiding nearby in the list of exercises.

The other draw that physics has for me is because it's so cutting edge. I would admit that there's a lot to it that I don't know, and I feel it would be so cool to understand at least a little of what relativity is all about, and light and energy and waves. It doesn't help that I'm so much a Star Trek fan, and so my regular viewing fare consists of tachyons, warp speed, spatial fluctuations and quantum singularities. I don't know what they all mean, but hey, I still think it would be nice knowing what these are.

And so it was a pleasant surprise to chance upon the link below. Just how much of it is based on rigorous scientific formulation needs to be seen, but it's stimulating to watch nonetheless. I've long been aware of the interpretation of time as the fourth dimension. The first three dimensions don't need much explanation since we are embedded in it. Or rather, our perception of our physical reality is 3-dimensional. After all, we can attribute length, width and depth to objects we perceive.

Imagining the Tenth Dimension

The notion of certain dimensions being composed of points corresponding to different initial conditions is particularly intriguing. Each dimension is analogous to two points connected by a segment. In one such dimension, the idea that the conditions of the corresponding big bang define each point is an interesting supposition. Wow, different big bang conditions!

I always thought that we could infinitely extend the number of dimensions. If from 2 dimensions we could go to 3 dimensions, and from 3 dimensions we could go to 4 dimensions, couldn't we go from 234 dimensions to 235 dimensions? It's all inductive, I would think.

So why settle for ten dimensions? Is it because for 11 dimensions, nobody has come up yet with an "imagination" for it? In mathematics, it is always possible to go to any number of dimensions, although of course it's all abstract. We then have n-dimensional vector spaces and hyperplanes, and points with n coordinates and their corresponding Euclidean distance formula.

Will inductive extension not hold for jumping from 10 dimensions to 11 dimensions? For the truly knowledgeable, the answer may be apparent, but I'm too lazy to think it up right now, or I am just not confident to make that judgment on my own.

At this point, I can always take comfort in the fact that while I do not know everything, what's important is that we keep an open mind and try to be receptive to new ways of thinking. It is only when we challenge our current modes of thinking and think out of the box that we will be able to make radical advancements in what we collectively know as humans.

Neural Networking on a Sunday Afternoon

2007-03-11T18:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know how to start this blog. I just know I need to write something, since I rarely ever have time to write anything, and spring break has just started, and that gives me one week to take things more slowly. A one week break never meant the absence of work. It does give me however the luxury to take a break in the middle of whatever I'm doing, since after all, one week is one week.

Should I write about things that have moved me lately? I don't know what has "moved" me lately. Nothing profound nor earth-shattering has happened to my profound existence. It seems that in the presence of profundity, everything else is so trivial. Is that a needle you're holding to deflate my ego? Stay away from me!

My allergy however isn't trivial. And so as it turns out, I am still human after all. The weird thing is I've never had any allergic reaction to absolutely anything before. For a while, I thought of waging a mental battle with myself. It involved not scratching the offending itch. It's all in the mind after all. But what's to gain in holding up my defenses? To prove to myself I have total control? What for? And so I gave in, and continue to give in to this pleasure. Of scratching my arm. My legs. My hands. My neck.

While typing this. And while listening to "Motorcycle Drive By" by Third Eye Blind. For a second time. And actually a third time.

I've never been so alone. And I've never been so alive.

Yeah. What's with this habit anyway of highlighting or pointing out certain lines in songs? Is it meant to show that "Hey, I can relate to what the song is saying." Big deal. Who knows what it is the songwriter means when he wrote that line anyway.

But I do it anyway. I guess it's our own way of owning the song. We ascribe meanings to it however we see fit, for reasons I don't know or I'm too lazy to think about at the moment.

Then at this point where I'm writing this blog, I normally would be trying to think of a witty line so the reader will see how witty I am. How cutting-edge. How avant garde. How so above other bloggers trying to write down the insignificant things that happened to their humdrum day. Am I any different from them? Maybe not. The only difference perhaps is that I don't do it as often. I mean, writing about my humdrum day.

Another one of my all-time favorites. "Disarm" by Smashing Pumpkins.

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
Whats a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you

I consider this as the high point of the song. Listening to the song sends shivers down my spine. Looking at the video provides the perfect visual stimuli to the pathos in the song. The angle. The viewpoint. The motion. Fantastic.

Now I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean. All I remember is that Billy Corgan wrote this song around the time he was contemplating suicide. Of course he didn't. Thank God he lived to make the Mellon Collie and Infinite Sadness album.

Now, a thought. Why don't these big name bands/performers go to Manila. I hope they've considered it at least. I'd think that more than our Asian neighbors, we're more exposed to Western music in the Philippines. Fine, our neighbors could have Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Cristina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and any other hot (or passe) pop act, for all I care.

But maybe our economic standing in the world pecking order puts us at a disadvantage, as somebody I've read somewhere mentioned. Why would they invest setting up a concert in the Philippines? It's always a risk. So they end up going to Japan, Hongkong and Singapore. I guess I'm still not over the fact that I was supposed to see Oasis back in 2002 at the Araneta Coliseum. Already took my leave from work (and God knows how hard it is to apply for a leave back where I used to work). Finally found somebody I could go with who was also into Oasis (more on this later). Of course, I already bought the 2nd highest most expensive ticket. Not bad.

The concert was on a Wednesday of October 2002. The Saturday before the concert, there was some bombing in Mindanao. In Mindanao for goodness' sake! Back then, I haven't even been to Mindanao. Oasis cancelled. Of course I had my ticket refunded, but it wasn't a question of whether or not I was going to be refunded that got my goat. It was the opportunity lost.

One tragedy in my life is that nobody in my immediate circle of friends likes the music I listen to. If Dave Matthews Band or Dashboard Confessional were to come to Manila, I wouldn't be able to invite any of them. Either they don't know who these are, or they are only remotely familiar with these people. Things are different if it was some random RnB act or Kyla or Black Eyed Peas or Mariah Carey. I have no reason to diss these people. They're free to make the music they like in this free world of ours.

I remember back in first year college wanting to watch the Alanis Morrissette concert. I wasn't earning yet on my own, but for some reason I was able to goad my parents to pay for a ticket. I guess that's my reward for being so academically focused, that they would be the ones requesting me to take a break from studying and do something relaxing (a fact my brothers observed with chagrin who had to beg to be allowed to do some social stuff, hahaha). But I didn't want to go alone. I finally found a classmate who was remotely interested but not that interested to shell out money. He was realistic enough to tell me that he would accompany me if I would pay for his ticket. I understood.

I ended up not going to the concert.

What was the last concert I saw? I saw Jars of Clay at Araneta Coliseum, and I had to treat an old friend so I could watch it with somebody (and I was only happy to oblige and treat her, since I haven't seen her for a long time). Then a week after that, we watched Rivermaya and Barbie's Cradle at the Ateneo High School. That was in 2005. These were the last concerts I saw. God knows when the next time would be.

This post is going nowhere. This nonsense stops now.

ADMU Survey

2007-03-08T23:20:00.000-05:00

Got this from Purpleheadd's blog

X -- things you've done

( x ) eat at Manang's (but of course!)
( x ) learn the alma mater song
( x ) get on the dean's list
( x ) sleep on a bench (in our org room - asg - in colayco)
( ) be a TNT! (but I wanted to be one; just never got around to applying)
( x ) jog around the campus in the evening
( x ) visit the art gallery
( x ) know at least one xerox lady, manong, or technician by name (Ate Alma from Colayco now in SEC, Mang Manny from Colayco now in SocSci, and Biology lab technician Mang Roger)
( x ) get a Jesuit for a teacher (Fr. Ben Nebres no less, hahaha)
( x ) itch from higad bites (freshman year)
( x ) have gotten an F in something (one long exam in Stat 109)
( x ) have taken a crap in school (Faura, SEC, Gonzaga, Lib, Kostka)
( x ) watch a La Salle vs. Ateneo UAAP game (when we won the championship against La Salle)
( x ) give a powerpoint presentation
( ) study in the caf upstairs (already graduated when they had it upstairs)
( x ) watch a T.A. play (oh yeah. Gotta see one next time I'm on vacation.)
( ) sit on the SEC ledge and watch the stars (I'd rather do it anyway in Bel field or the football field)
( x ) eat in Full House, Martha's Kitchen, and Ken Afford
( x ) sleep in the lib
( ) visit Mr. San Andres
( x ) go to the chapel
( x ) have gotten a pebble stuck in your shoe/slippers in the middle of the quad
( ) cut class with your block to watch a movie (we were almost late, but we made it in time, so I guess it doesn't count. Was with my English block. Watched something in Sta. Lucia.)
( ) sign up for those institutional (i.e. difficult but brilliant) teachers
( x ) go to CERSA night
( ) have tried siomai rice
( x ) learn how to smoke (don't have to explain myself, hahaha)
( x ) fall in love (oh yeah)
( x ) actually read the book you keep borrowing from the lib
( x ) play cards during your free time (bridge, but only occasionally)
( x ) dress in business attire (oral exam with Tejido for Th 151)
( x ) learn to stay awake for more than 24 hours straight
( ) have gotten side comments from ASSOC
( x ) take (and enjoy) Saturday classes (math class with Dr. Ian Garces)
( x ) go to your immersion (with an Aeta community in Central Luzon)
( x ) eat Food for Thought sandwiches (for lunch on the run)
( ) get a girlfriend
( x ) take time to read the vandalism in the CR doors
( ) watch `Minsan Lang Sila Bata` for class (and wept)
( ) do a last minute paper
( ) have spent a lot for 1x1 ID pictures
( x ) get exempted from final exams
( x ) attend a college mass
( ) promise to quit smoking
( ) play hide-and-seek in the mini-forest
( ) know where the best restrooms are on campus
( x ) join an org
( x ) allow yourself to make mistakes
( x ) take summer classes (Well, don't the normal course schedules in most courses necessitate this? I always had to parry questions from relatives who thought I failed a course, and I also found it weird that my mother was always defensive explaining that I was taking advanced courses. Duh.)
( x ) admire the sacred heart statue in the evening
( x ) make a video for a project (for Th 151 and Ph 103)
( x ) have a crush on a teacher (Dr. Felice Noelle Rodriguez, you rock!)
( ) attend a Jesuit retreat (pity, no)
( ) have gotten a parking ticket
( x ) come to school in your crappiest yet most comfy clothes
( ) learn how to use the Bayantel pay phones
( x ) participate in school activities
( ) catch the Blue Babble Battalion tryouts
( ) date an Atenean
( x ) ride a tricycle on campus (always been a commuter)
( x ) find a tambayan (Colayco)
( x ) admire the marikina valley at night
( x ) go drinking along Katipunan (oh yeah)
( ) learn how to beg for a higher grade
( ) use your cuts wisely
( ) volunteer to be class beadle
( ) had the worst lottery schedule for reg (I don't really remember, so probably not)
( x ) admire the trees on campus (Especially when the Christmas lights were lit. Magical.)
( ) have forgotten about your freecut and gone to that class
( x ) eat in the ISO canteen
( x ) be active in your org
( ) have signed up on an ACP class just because the girl or guy u like signed up for it
( ) get as many app forms as you can during the job fair
( x ) learn how to cram
( ) sell tickets (or watch) an org-sponsored movie premiere ( Great Expectations, Charlie's Angels... a lot. Was a movie fan)
( ) save money to Xerox all of your seatmate's notes
( ) have accidentally seen a make-out session (pity, no)
( x ) check out the Meron Lagoon and Lambingan Bridge (hahaha)
( ) have dozed off in class in Bel right after a class in CTC/SOM/Comm. Bldg or vice versa
( x ) learn how to work with groupmates from hell
( ) perfect the art of parking on campus
( ) had a bad encounter with one of the guards on campus (I say hi to them)
( x ) develop a love for sisig (understatement. You couldn't force me to eat sisig back in the day.)
( x ) learn how to pronounce `AEGIS` properly
( ) have used typing rooms at the library (Are they still there?)
( x ) have reserved a classroom, AVR, etc. for a class or org function
( x ) have asked the library for an endorsement to research in other libraries (UP and Philippine Stock Exchange)
( ) have lost a perfectly functioning umbrella
( ) have used consultation hours properly
( x ) Looked forward to lab breakage refund, in case you didn't break any equipment
( x ) visit the Guidance Office (was a scholar, and part of our service hours was visit the Guidance Office at least once each semester.)
( x ) and Infirmary (go back to item above regarding higad itch, hahaha)
( ) peed on the konyo bench
( ) watched the sunset from the gate 2/3 field (but from the back of Faura, yes)
( x ) spent night at gate 2/3 field (senior year just before graduation. It was supposed to be an overnight thing, but the guards drove us away.)
( x ) took the Barangka steps at least once (part of my jogging route)
( ) hung out at the Doghouse and actually felt superior to everyone
( ) drank the water from the rizal-era pipes
( ) referred to classes between 1:30 and 3:30 as "siesta time"
( ) played in the rain, with your friends

I don't usually answer surveys. Suffice it to say I enjoyed this one.

YouTube is fun!

2007-01-21T02:23:00.000-05:00

I am now a big fan of YouTube. A much bigger fan. I mean, I've known YouTube for quite some time now, mainly from forwarded links of friends concerning various videos of interest. But it was only fairly recently that I discovered the real power of YouTube.

It was one of those eureka moments. This is what happened. I was studying for an exam and needed a break so much that I thought of browsing the internet and listening to some music. In the past, I used to log on to Yahoo! Music and check their videos on demand. Unfortunately, they have a very limited repertoire, that I usually end up gnashing my teeth for the cornucopia of pop music available. Hey, I've got nothing against pop music. To each his/her own. I just wanna be happy (and finding the videos I like is what will make me happy) :)

For example, "Somebody" by Depeche Mode was one of my favorite songs while growing up (a choice influenced by an older brother who also was a big fan of the song). When MTV Asia became more accessible to us cable-less citizens, I became a sucker for the classic videos (on a side note, it was a bit depressing to see "Wonderwall" and "Champagne Supernova" by Oasis on Classic MTV, because these were the songs during my golden years of transitioning from high school to college). Seeing them old videos always brought a tear or two from my eyes (but of course, couldn't have been from my nose). Now I thought, I've seen "With or Without You" by U2, and "Shout" by Tears for Fears but I have yet to see "Somebody."

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago. So there I was, in front of my handy-dandy laptop, when a lightbulb lit. Two syllables. YOUTUBE. And that's how I ended up browsing available videos in YouTube for most of that night. I would have been at it till the ungodly hours, definitely way past the witching hour, had my responsible and studious alter-ego not taken over so I would go back to studying (he always wins in the end). Video after video, repressed desires let loose after all these years.

Here's a sample of the videos I looked up.
Disarm (Smashing Pumpkins) - Second video I looked up after Somebody
Tonight, Tonight (Smashing Pumpkins) - I remember the video from way back in 1996, and it was just so surreal. I love this video since it allows me the usage of the word "surreal," thereby making me seem more than the dunce I am.
No More I Love You's (Annie Lennox) - Again, surreal and weird (this is a good thing in my book). Whoever doesn't like her voice should be lowered slowly to a pit filled with hungry sharks. It's just so other-worldly.
Freshmen (The Verve Pipe) - I was a college freshman when this song came out. It was also during this time that I was transitioning from RX93.1 to NU107.5. Connect the dots, people!
Adam's Song (Blink 182) - Nobody knows this song. Except for people in internet forums. But then, there are no real people in internet forums and message boards. Hahaha.
Motorcycle Drive By (Third Eye Blind) - Again, a song nobody knows. Wonderful. I actually like those songs only us special people know.
Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind) - Moderately known.
Black Balloon (Goo Goo Dolls) - There's more to them than "Iris."
Change is Breaking Us Apart (The Dawn) - For the Filipino in me. Also, it's a damn good song.
Somebody (Depeche Mode) - I don't need to explain further.
Through the Barricades (Spandau Ballet) - Since I am a softie at heart.
We Didn't Start The Fire (Billy Joel) - Doing this for karaoke is a good vocal exercise.
Runaway (The Corrs) - One of the highlights of this song for me is the guitar riff-raff (somewhere around the third minute) after the chorus, or refrain (wait, I don't know how to call it). Anyway, they always seemed to play a different version on radio - the one without said riff-raff (I think I just made up this word). I thought I've been imagining the riff-raff all these years. After I looked it up in YouTube, it seems I'm not delusional after all.

Always been a fan of Star Trek. We didn't have cable in our home in the Philippines, so I never got to watch Star Trek Voyager, except for a few episodes on ABC 5 (free channel) back home. And so it was absolutely fantastic news when I found out last December about the marathon on Spike TV. I'd sleep at 5 am (because of studying), and wake up in time at 9 am. For one week.

Of course, they didn't show all episodes, and didn't get till the final episode. Surprise, surprise. The final episode was on YouTube. Happy happy joy joy.

Lost in Mindanao

2006-07-11T02:51:00.000-04:00

I was only able to post this now, now that I'm back in the US. Our connection at home was dialup and we know how long that would take to upload pictures.

*******

I was on my way home from the airport last Thursday after a weeklong sojourn (July 2 to 6, 2006) in Davao City and Camiguin with friends from way back while I was still working in the Philippines.

In Davao, we stayed at this cozy nook called Manor Hotel, although understandably we spent more of our time touring the place.

Introducing the gang: BBC, me, Francis, Raks, Chris, Rey, Jay, Rico, Ace, Sheng, Frankie, Noreen

First stop was Eden Nature Park. I swear I had absolutely nothing to do ownership of the place, notwithstanding the name of the place.

We wasted no time enjoying the whatever-you-call-this, although it wasn’t a cinch figuring out how to get onto these hanging seats.

It wasn’t really a choice between going to the Eagle farm and going to the Orchidarium. When you think of Philippine Eagle, you’re supposed to think Davao anyway. That’s how we found ourselves here at the Philippine Eagle Center.

Where, you might ask, are them eagles? A paragraph about eagles is better enhanced by a picture of the eagles than by people gawking at said eagles, you might add.

Personally, I just thought it was damn too gay a thing to go to the Orchidarium, although Il Hong swears we should have gone there instead (San Francisco must have affected him “that” way… too bad). By the way, Hong is a friend from way back, who’s also on vacation from his studies abroad. But unlike me, his airfare was funded by his school (lucky bastard) because he’s supposed to do some serious shit in relation to his international developmental economics schmuck.

Me and Hong

He also requested that this picture showing him holding me this way be shown here as well. Yes folks, San Francisco really did affect him in a certain way.

The second day in Davao was spent lazing around Paradise Island. They sure do know how to name their places of interest, because it was just so easy to let go of your worries when you’re there. Now, I do know that places like this are among those I would miss terribly when I go back to dear ol’ West Laf.

I simply had to take my picture taken at Ateneo de Davao. I thought I’ve been to all currently existing Ateneos – Manila, Naga, Cagayan, and now Davao – when it dawned on me I still have to see Ateneo de Zamboanga and Ateneo de Iloilo.

Fortes in Fide. Strength in Faith, if I'm not mistaken.

And then we’re off to Camiguin. It was an overnight bus ride to the port.

Yes, this is Camiguin. The signboard on the upper left is by Gov. Jose Ma. Zubiri Jr.

Being able to roam around aboard and stretch our tired limbs was a welcome respite from the previous night’s sleepless travel.

Will kill whoever took this. Next time.

Orson, our guide from last year in Camiguin (with Ateneo friends this time), fetched us in his handy-dandy blue van. That the a/c went bonkers was a blessing in disguise, since after using our God-given talents at haggling, we were able to lower his fee from Php6000 (USD10 at PhP10 to the green buck) to PhP4000.

A day without work. Priceless.

Mount Hibok Hibok wasn’t too far away.

Yes, it's the one at the back.

It was promptly followed by a splash at majestic (this adjective is too cliché) Katibawasan Falls.

Demonstrating the power of BBC's Sony Cybershot.

That night, we had fun at Ardent Hot Springs.

I'm not breathing!

We did intend to wake up early, supposedly at 5:30 am just so we could see the sunrise at White Island. But it wasn’t meant to be, since we preferred seeing the sunrise in our dreams. Still, we had lots of fun enjoying the view and the blue waters.

No boatman was available to take us to the marker of the Sunken Cemetery.

Just close by are the ruins of an old church destroyed by a volcanic eruption.

A cold spring was next on the itinerary.

Our last stop was atop Mt. Vulcan. Different stations of the cross dotted the pathway. ‘Twas a good workout, totally needed what with the sedentary lifestyles most of us are living. The view on top was a welcome bonus.

And just when we were ready to call it a night, we just couldn’t resist the call to go back to the hot springs (thank God they close at 10 pm).

We left early Thursday without being able to talk to the resort manager and give her our payment. I swear we could have left off without being caught, but either we believed in karma, or we were not one to leave behind a bad mark to our blessed Mindanao sojourn. What for, when everything was going so great!

Orson: second from left (dude in black)

We had time to waste in Cagayan de Oro.

Noreen and Rico let loose at SM.

*******

I was with former officemates from Azeus on this trip. I hate them because were it not for them, I would have saved so much more, especially since I’m short on resources since I don’t have income this summer.

However, I’d also like to thank them, because even though the places we went to were fantastic (geez, I make it sound like this is a bad thing), they continue to show me that it’s not so much what you do or where you go which matter, but who you do things with!

And that's priceless!

Poetry and Brokenness (wooh boy, another serious one)

2006-07-10T06:38:00.000-04:00

Note: I wrote this piece August 28, 2002.

This picture, taken July 5, 2006, is not meant as an aid to better understand the essay. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with my piece.

I haven’t written for the longest time. I see that it’s not easy to turn one’s back after all to things one really likes. In my case, these things happen to be (hold your breath) math, followed by writing driven by erratic bursts of inspiration. Nowadays, it seems that I only write whenever I want to shout but I can’t since it wouldn’t be right. I only write whenever I want to cry but then I can’t since that would make me seem weak.

I often imagine myself to be above some people when it comes to dealing with problems. I thought I had some things figured out all along. But sooner or later, you find out that there are still some loose ends to tie which you missed the first time around.

I taught college math for a couple of years in the school which I love dearly for what it taught me. I learned to swear, drink and smoke. Along the way I hurt some dear friends too. Here I cried for the first time because I believe I loved despite the odds. In short, I became less of the hypocrite and the cretin that I was in high school. My new world expanded my horizons and pushed my tolerance level of other people. It also pushed my alcohol tolerance and the limits of being able to keep myself awake.

But damn did I work hard! I knew when and how to have fun, but I also knew how to get lost and immersed in abstract mathematical concepts. For some reason, which probably more than half the world’s population would violently disagree with, math was the easiest subject in the world for me. Yeah, you’ve probably seen me as one of those wholesome A students who kept getting sent to math contests. Just add a slightly growing beer belly, replace the eyeglasses with lenses, and shave to a skinhead, and I won’t need to give you my picture anymore.

When you’re 18 to 20 (especially if you were a special child nurtured with brain enhancing milk supplements) your idealism (a.k.a. angst and repressed hormones) can push you to denouncing the workaday world of functionality and practicality. Your mantra then: I want to free myself of the absurd. At that time, I wanted to contribute to humanity by further excelling in what I’m good at. I wanted to assert my individuality by putting myself over the world’s mundane concerns, and pursuing, like Christian in “Moulin Rouge” the bohemian ideals of beauty, truth, and love. While this is going on all in your head, you hear that line too from Nine Days: “For though I cannot fly, I’m not content to crawl.”

Instead of poetry, it was math for me. Ironically, I loved it for the very reason people hated the subject – its seeming lack of significance (at the superficial level) in attaining such practical goals as earning big bucks and getting laid. Once understood, math is a means by which people can create abstract concepts, see relationships which serendipitously fall neatly into place, thereby manifesting the seemingly limitless possibilities of human thought. In this scenario, how can then one cease to be in wonder?

I graduated with honors and started teaching less than two weeks after graduation. Who could reject an invitation to teach from one's school? But actually, I was already set anyway on teaching as a possible lifetime career.

When you’re 20, hence immortal, you believe that like the mountains, the oceans, and the moon, things will stay as they are, much like clearly stated mathematical definitions. You believe that forever is as long as you want it to last.

Then you realize that a mountain is immobile, the ocean could dry up, the moon is a dead planet (so to speak) - but you’re just in your 20’s and very much alive. Woe to you then for not seeing that things are not perfect like squares or circles, that circumstances change, and what you thought would last forever is gone before you can even say “kookaburra.”

I’m not teaching anymore. I just stopped. I’ve had enough for now. I myself didn’t see it coming. It was an act that defied rationality. I decided to stop teaching, and also my graduate studies.

Admittedly, something bad happened that broke the camel’s back and pushed me to find a job elsewhere. Pride also got in the way. And just as easily as I got into my university and first job, I suddenly gave up teaching and studying something I had immersed myself in so much.

Where did that faith in the ideals I set, all go? It’s scary because it leaves one groping for what is certain in one’s life. One can't just continue to hold on, believing that what we’re doing is right, even though it’s not that easy to ascertain anymore what is right – making one wonder how even the certainty of goodness can elude us.

I was led to believe before that all questions have only one correct answer, that all we had to do was look hard enough to make sense of things. Eventually, the world itself will disprove such a linear mode of thinking. Then you’ll realize (or someone will point out) that it’s not only looking for our own answers that drives us, but asking our personal questions too. Thereby do we define ourselves further, since by posing our own questions we confront our internal conflicts and validate what’s important in our lives.

But still this is not enough. I believe that one also has to ask questions at the right time. Questions are more effective when experienced in time, for only then will the answers make perfect sense. Thus, we might be asking the same questions all along, but more than the personal flavor afforded in the answers, the replies are different because each answer belongs to a unique personal circumstance.

In times of brooding like this one, I am afforded the opportunity of looking back at the lessons picked along the way. Sometimes, our human rationality can’t satisfy us. There will be moments of confusion, when what we think is right doesn’t jive with what we feel to be right. Either it is the mind which is clouded and it is the heart which is in the right place, or vice versa. But one has to go on and choose, and be judged. One must refuse to be immobilized for a long time by a period of indecision.

One can count the many times of helplessness and curse why the things that we don’t want, do happen. Sometimes it’s alright to curse this lack of power over events, and be angry about it – so that we can eventually accept it. We will be hurt and we can only be beautiful as beings because we are broken. Our brokenness makes us precious, because more than the fact that we can be broken, we change.

And because I change, I know I am alive.

Questioning One's Faith is ACTUALLY a Good Thing

2006-05-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

www.pinoyexchange.com ... sweet!

The MTRCB (the Philippine agency which rates movies for showing) has so far, for me, done a good job with regards to handling the controversy raised by the showing of "The Da Vinci Code" in the Philippines. The said movie premiered in the Philippines last May 18, two days after I arrived here. I've been looking forward to seeing the movie with my best buds here.

I am a Catholic, and proud to be one. I studied for 15 years in two Catholic schools - from kindergarten to senior year in college. My two preschool years were also in two Catholic institutions. I went through First Communion, Confirmation, the seven gifts and twelve fruits of the Holy Spirit, the different books of the Bible, regular mass attendance, First Friday Mass, exegetical studies of the Bible, philosophy of religion, among others, as part of my religious upbringing. I felt extremely sad when the late Pope John Paul II passed away last year. Our family, as they say, is "cerrado catolico" (closed catholic). The last year has in fact been only my first year studying in a non-Catholic institution. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda yadda. Blabber blabber blabber. Yeah, sometimes it takes me years to make my point. But there, I've made it. But lest this be misinterpreted as bragging (really!!??), allow me to say that being a good Catholic is not measured by the amount of religious education you've had (note that I never said I was a good Catholic). I think I was, until I turned 13. Hahaha.

I am also a person of science, or so I'd like to think. I completely buy the inherent value of a rational way of thinking. I believe that our society is largely dependent on the advances brought upon by our collective scientific talent. We should never take things at face value, without questioning their validity. Our rationality is an aspect of our humanity that we must continuously use, since it is one of the things that define us.

When I was around 20 years old, I stopped believing. To be accurate, I did not really turn into an atheist. I became an agnostic. The way I understand it, an atheist completely believes that God does not exist, that we are alone in this universe, while an agnostic believes that we can never be sure whether God exists or not. Then a few years back, I cannot pinpoint exactly when, I went back to being a believer, not for reasons of inconvenience definitely (it's actually so much more convenient to be in-between). I was looking for a reason to believe, but I realized that faith is sometimes completely outside the realm of reason. You believe, not because of anything. You just believe. And so I made that jump.

Pardon me for that long detour. I guess I just wanted to say where I'm coming from, so that I can clearly make my point.

ARE YOU STILL THERE?

Good. Please bear with me.

Bottomline is: I DON'T WANT ANYBODY TO FUCKIN' TELL ME WHAT I CAN OR CANNOT WATCH. I am completely capable of making up my own mind, you see. I have every right to watch "The Da Vinci Code" in the same way that I have the right not to watch "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" -- I'm not sure I made much sense there, but it felt good saying that.

What are some of the reasons I've heard/received/read on why the movie should be banned in the Philippines? Here are some of them.

LIPA Archbishop Ramon Arguelles has urged Philippine film censors to ban in local theaters the Hollywood film “The Da Vince Code,” dismissing it as blasphemous.
"In a predominantly Christian country like the Philippines, making publicly available such film is sinfully condoning blasphemy and undermining the very limits of the people's value and religious foundation," Arguelles wrote in his May 8 letter to Movie, Television, Review, and Classification Board chair Marissa Laguardia.
Prelate asks film censors to ban 'Da Vinci Code'
Philippine Daily Inquirer, 9 May 2006

I'm so frustrated by this comment that the only reaction you'll see from me regarding this is: NO SHIT! ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH. OOOMMMMPPP (sound you make when slamming your head on the wall). OOOMMMMPPP. OOOMMMMPPP. aaaarrrrkkkkkggggghhh (sound you make when gasping for breath).

Now, I've seen the movie. I've seen it twice. So what is my pseudo-expert and self-serving opinion on the matter?

PEOPLE, WHAT WAS THAT FUSS ALL ABOUT!!?? You radical Christians, there was nothing to be worried about! We should be more afraid of some of the crappy television fare we as a society feed our kids. Low production standards that don't inspire us to strive for the very best. Illogical plotlines that just don't make sense even if you suspend your disbelief by a long stretch. These could be more easily ingrained in young impressionable minds, and the danger here is that the attack is subtle.

Something unrelated: My friend and I were talking about Prof. Langdon's (played by Tom Hanks) presentation at the start of the movie. Hah! There was no way a know-it-all professor like him could have done that! Not even if he had good, hardworking, dedicated graduate/teaching assistants! Graduate assistants would already be hard-pressed to balance their workload as students with their workload as slaves. It seems, for my friend and me, that the only way Prof. Langdon could have come up with such a presentation is if he hired professionals to do it for him.

Graduation Thoughts

2006-05-10T04:40:00.000-04:00

Note: I wrote this piece March of 2001.JB, Caro, Debbie, Gary, Me, Marina
Earlyn, Budjik, Ethel, Ruel, Mayang, Yves
Crissy, Melissa, Rey, Roselle, Aison, Erick

Noel, MM, Eunice, Christine, Steve, Me, Loric, Carmi, Bal, Eric

This Sunday is again exceedingly hot. And uneventful. And boring. Thus perfect. It is in moments of silence like this that I find the opportunity to look back on past events.

Last night would be a good starting point. It was a graduation I admit, as memorable as the one I had a year ago. No, this is not then entirely about my graduation, but if you insist, this is more about me and my friends.

I have been teaching for a year now. I was fortunate enough not to go through those job interviews and months of waiting for financial independence. The defensive part of me would like to back up the naïve part of me that thinks anyway that there is probably something good which comes out of those moments of limbo and insecurity. Anyway, my point is, I was at least secure of what was there after graduation, so that I could easily move on.

You see, I have a problem with moving on. I can get to be so attached with little details. I have with me all the quizzes and tests returned to me since Grade 2 – because I might be famous one day and these papers could catch up a hefty sum, notwithstanding the fact that I might have to be dead before the prices appreciate. I can also get to be so immersed in details about people – it’s either I love them terribly or I can never let go of one small bad thing they did to me in the past.

For me, graduation is a time of moving on. Now, it’s time to face the real world (God knows how I hate cliches to death, so I must be having the time of my life now). This cliché assumes that the academic environment is not like the real world – whatever that is. I agree, though I admit that it’s up to us when we’re “out there” to decide if the real world and the ideal are necessarily mutually exclusive. I guess I live in an ideal world. I haven’t moved on, have I?

I have been in this ideal for quite some time now. Last night, my graduating friends, with arms raised and fists clenched in the traditional graduation song, bade farewell to academic life. Last night too, my arms were raised amidst a multitude of fellow journeymen, as if taunting the gods, proclaiming to them that the world is ours, that we can summon the convergence of the ideal and the imperfect, the not yet real, and what actually is.

I’m happy for them – my friends. They are so pure and so foolish, raring to immerse themselves into a future where there is no turning back. I myself have too much more to see myself, but I admit things could still be more complicated than what our experiences allow us to see. In the past, our only problem was trying to sneak past the imposed afternoon naps so we can watch the “Thundercats.” Now, we see more and more that the world doesn’t revolve around the self, that things really aren’t that simple anymore.

I really don’t have anything profound to say here which will improve the human condition. How could I, when I take pride in being sarcastic, although I’m not always successful in this department. I’m just writing all these because I’ll miss some of my friends terribly. Now, this piece you might say, is a year late. Yes, I still miss my own batchmates sometimes, although I get to see some of them once in a while, so this could very well be also for them.

To them, for having taught me to do many things – those which I am proud of, and even those I shouldn’t have done but did anyway, I am forever grateful (where forever, according to my dictionary, is only as long as I want it to last). You are such little devils – in the nice, cutesy sense of the word.

Thank you for disappointing me once in a while, because you brought me back to earth. Whether you were all academically outstanding is an entirely different story which is irrelevant now. Thank you for being heartless sometimes and inconsiderate, and damn juvenile, because you made life more exciting and worth a second glance.

Thank you for being reckless and making the world a less safer place to live in, because you finally made it real for me. Only then did I see that it could still be so much better than what it is now.

Today, for you, is a new day (oh yes, we do love cliches). It is supposed to be another day for me. I have one more set of final exams to finish checking today as the submission of grades was yesterday, after all. Never mind that. Foolish you may be, but I think that as far as I am concerned, the world still revolves sometimes around me (try being swell headed sometimes, it’s nice). Let me then choose this to be a new day for me as it is for you.

What’s in it for me? Nothing much. It’s just the day where I can be so mushy and admit grudgingly that you touched my life so much to draw three tears from my left eye, as we hugged each other last night even if that meant missing the dinner for faculty members as I was celebrating with you. Your insignificant lives as insects surprisingly had a dent on my profound existence to drive me to spend money and a week thinking and looking for gifts you would like.

Some people will be unfair – get used to it. Congratulations – you’re now about to face them, love them, and hate them. You could even get to be very productive there. I’m sure you have the potential to be unique dregs of society. Outside, and most of the time, you seem not to care, but you know it – your hearts are in the right place.

Finally, you’re moving on. You’ll be leaving me here in the school where we met, where we had fun, where we thought each other was a jerk. You’re accompanied by a sense perhaps of relief although I’m sure you’re also confronted by a sense of the unknown. Will we still talk to each other after ten years? Will we even bother to say hi to each other when we meet each other by accident? If fate (do you still believe in fate?) would have it that our paths would cross again, would we even care? Would I myself even have these same sentiments in that time?

No, chances are, these issues wouldn’t matter anymore. What would we possibly talk about? Here again is the pessimist in me. Do you also admit the pessimist in you? It’s because like you, I’m also probably afraid. I’m afraid of how temporal we are, and of how forgetful we are. Like I said, our problems and issues would be more complex in the future. What we are worrying about now will be so juvenile and childish in the future that we won’t even have time to think much about each other. We might end up to be just specks of dust in each other’s memories.

Never mind that for now. Let me choose to dwell on the here and now. Who do you guys think will get drunk beyond control the next time? Who will we push on the ledge of the stage in Streetlife next? You wanna bet?

Introduction

2006-05-10T02:02:00.005-04:00

What made me decide to finally put up my own blog? I was bored, and I felt the world was evil enough (not really) to deserve a blogpage such as my own for punishment. Yep, the world needs another one of these mindless and self-indulgent blogpages (blogpage, blogsite... I'm such a neophyte).

Just finished the spring semester last week, so I'm done being a nerd for now. Last Thursday and Friday were particularly tough. I slept for only one hour, and then two hours the next day. And to make sure I'd wake up for the exams, I slept on my chair. It was an office chair, so it was still a bit comfy. Of course, nothing beats sleeping horizontally, which according to latest statistics, is still the preferred mode of sleep for 98.7% *** of the human population.

Lei Zhang, Amanda Philips, Me, Lilka Siudeja, Catherine Zvinevich, and Jose Lugo. Roof party at Philip Hackney's place.

Anyhow, I did get to sleep Friday, then woke up after 3 or so hours in time for a party with other grad students. Was too pooped to make it for some barhopping fun at 1 am, so I slept.

David Carchedi, Me, Philip Hackney, Lisa Driskell. Scary red eyes.

But who cares? I just wanted to say that I've recovered from all that drudgery. Right now, I'm taking things easy, waking up whenever I want to, and sleeping whenever I want to. You see, I don't have a problem with sleeping late. It's sleeping late - or most of the time not sleeping at all - for something related to work, which I have a problem with. Now, I can stay late, watching Alias reruns from 2 to 6 am, without having to worry about a pesky 10:30 am class, which I'd attend anyway without understanding anything, sleep or no sleep.

However, I still have things to take care of: (1) moving my stuff out of my current apartment, and (2) preparing for a well-deserved break in the Philippines for almost 3 months.

I'm almost done with moving my stuff... well, almost. Uhm, not really. Moving out, at the very least, implies that my things should not be within sight. My things are still very much in my room, and they're not about to energize or apparate anytime soon. But hey, except for some essentials I still need, I've put all of my stuff in boxes already, so that clothes I don't need, daily bath soap, shampoo, toothbrush, are already at the bottom of the heap. Now is the time to live like a moderately-hygienic monkey.

The thing is, my current lease ends while I'm still in the Philippines. So, before I fly home to embrace the scorching summer tropic heat, I need to take out everything from what has been my home for almost a year. Of course, I cannot move in yet to my new apartment and at least dump my stuff there, since my lease there starts only this August. I originally planned to distribute my 15 boxes to my friends, since asking one of them to take everything would be asking too much. Naturally, I was worried about the logistics (which box goes to whom), and so I was very relieved when a good friend of mine, Jinwoo Park, volunteered to take all of my things. As a token of my appreciation, I will mention again his name here and even put in in bold, and as a bonus (wow, the rewards just don't stop), highlight it in gray: JINWOO PARK. <--- period to end sentence

Jinwoo Park, Hans McDoodle. Hansy heart Jin.

That's it, I'm sleeping.

***Disclaimer: I reserve the right to make up my own statistical figures to meet my own ends.